Sunday, November 15, 2009

30....I must comment

Today is my 30th birthday and I feel like I must comment on this....just like at a wedding when the maid of honor gives a speech marking the special occasion and right of passage I feel as if my last 30 years deserve a farewell speech and my next 30 years a welcome speech- so here it goes....

As I sat here and type I look around me and see two little blessings that were brought into my world during my 20s. My son, Daxon, who will be 10 next month- that just takes my breathe away- 1-0 years old- no way!! He is turning into such an upstanding young man- he is so confident in who is he and what he expect other around him to be. I am extremely proud of his accomplishments and the person he is! Then I see Mady, she is 7- and she is a clone of me! My family always jokes that I took my DNA and cloned myself to have her! Part of that is very true- I see so much of myself in her...she is sassy, outspoken and loves to read and shop!!! Time flies by and this time with my children as they are young is so precious to me! The last ten years have swiftly passed me by....I plan in the next ten years to slow down and basque in the blessings of my children while they are still at home and I can hug and kiss them each day!!!

Two people who had a big part in molding me into the person I am today are my great-grandparents- MAMA and PAPA! We lost PAPA in Nov 1994 and Mama in May 1998. It is hard to think that I have spent so much of my life without them. They never met my children or my husband. Every year that goes by without them is so bittersweet. I remind myself of the time I had with them and how extremely thankful I am to have had the I had with them. They taught me so many good things and also brought the word and power of God into my life that for which I was and will forever be grateful. I have distinct feeling that the prayers of my Mama got me through the rough teenage years as well as tribulations involving my parents. I hope that today they are smiling down in heaven and are proud of the woman I am.

I could go on all day about what I have learned in the last thirty years but that would take too long...I will keep it simple...
Hindsight is certainly 20/20....but looking back I have to take those not so pleasant experiences and be thankful for them...they molded me into the mother, wife, friend, teacher and person I am today...I have to embrace the past- the good with the bad- and celebrate the life I was given- at the lows and highs.
My best advice to anyone who reads this is to NEVER LET FEAR CONTROL YOUR DECISIONS!!! Every not so smart decision I made was motivated by fear...fear of what might be, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of taking a chance, fear of not taking a chance, fear of someone else, fear of rejection, fear of abuse, fear of what others might think, FEAR of FEAR!! When it comes down to it- any decision we make- be it good or bad- has a God given purpose- whether we seek His will in things or not- in the end- God will reveal a purpose either in our happiness or our suffering...God is there...he carries us down the path of sorrow and heartache and he walks with us down the path of praise and happiness...
I am just now figuring out how to step away from a situation and JUST LET GO...Let God do his job- STOP TRYING to constantly change the outcome and just let the outcome come- a lot of times it's not as bad I had "feared" it would BE!
Just like with my kids- I have to BELIEVE- they are children of God- God protects our children and he will protect mine in any given situation- God will cover them with hands and they will be okay. Bad things might happen but I have to BELIEVE my children will see God's purpose in everything and learn to understand, forgive, accept and progress through life fearless and confident in God's promise to never forsake us!

Let's move love....
I have loved, I have been loved, I have lost and I have in the end....found the love that lasts and for that I am eternally thankful and is a God's gift to his people....i am thankful everyday for the love in my life...

Divorced and remarried. Years of heartache and abuse...I overcame- I survived and I learned a great deal about myself, my past, my motivations and my decisions...
I could go on all day about the past relationships...but really....what matters is now- all of that brought me here- in the present- where I am happy, whole, complete and filled with God's grace and I am okay with the past and all of the pain that belongs there- I still struggle with letting all of that go- I will let it go- then I will take it back- I will forgive myself- then I will find myself immersed in guilt, regret and sadness because of what the past sometimes brings into my present...but at the end of the day I remind myself of what came from the past- my two precious children- WOW! What a blessing they are- and without the past and a few stumbles in my walk I would not have them so I let it all go and I end my day with a thankful heart that forgives the transgressions of the past....

Dustin Bryant- he is my soul mate...we were made to love each other and he is a blessing to myself and my children...I am finally learning what true love is all about and how to love purely and wholly and without restraint...there is no fear in this relationship- everything has always been just like it should be. There is so much I could say about him and our love- but really it all comes down to three words- I AM BLESSED. Blessed to know him, love him, see him everyday, share his name, have his family, have his love, have his advice through life's ups and downs. I have learned more about love in the 3 years than I had in the 27 before then....he is the best and i thank God everyday for allowing our paths to cross and creating the perfect time for us to become more than friends and see that thing in one another we knew we could not go one day without. I am humbled by his love.

My sister- wow- what can I say....she has been on this roller coaster ride of life with me- my passenger strapped in for the long haul. And for a long time- it was a long haul- the ups, the downs, the turns, the flips, the circles....Shelby was there with me. We certainly butted heads enough to last us a lifetime but looking back I see it was all in love and concern for me and for my children that she utilized tough love. I love her so much. She is so steadfast in who she is- what she stands for me and I can only hope to emulate just a small portion of what she is in myself. I have always looked up to her- she is my big sister. When I was scared at night- let's see- the first 12 years of my life that I never slept by myself- i was thankful to have her bed to crawl into and feel safe from all the "scary" things at a teenager I was thankful that she opened her home up to me and let me sleep on her couch for 2 years while she was raising two small children- she also took on the burden of a teenager- she and Larry saved me- in all ways possible. Through my pregnancy with Dax as a single mom- she was always there to make me feel NOT so alone- I remember being in the hospital on bed rest and even though she had two little ones at home- she came up and stayed several nights with me in the hospital. Throughout my past relationship- on and off again- she was there helping me, giving me a shoulder to cry on and eventually she did say enough was enough- and it didn't take long for me to act on those words and put them into action- and once again she and Larry opened their home up to me- and this time- my children as well. I will always always always be so so so thankful that I had a safe place to go and take my children. There are so many women out there in abusive situations that do not have that place and stay wayyyyy too long until they have nothing left of themselves and their children are forever scarred by their environment. She saved me again and again- as a child, as a teenager, as an adult...thank you Sis.....Shelby's presence calms my soul- I know I can lean on her and she will always give me good wholesome God derived advice. Not many of us have people like that in our lives and I am forever thankful to have that in my own sister. She is filled with the Spirit and I know her prayers have protected me through all of my life....

Through all the ups and down of life in the last 30 years...I am thankful to say I am finally in a good place...there are still struggles but I know now that God is in control...and my children, my husband and I are blessed and no situation or person can steal that joy...

I can only hope the next 30 years brings the many blessings of the and from now on i am motivated by courage, strength and God's will not by fear....those are the days of the past...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Homecoming Week 2009 in Sperry, Oklahoma

Dustin and I at the parade Saturday! He was a trooper and drove the truck for our float! love Him!

The Bryant kids at the Homecoming football game Friday night!

Dax with his Sperry Pirate hair!

Friday Parade at the school

The kids & I

Last week the small town of Sperry, Oklahoma celebrated Homecoming Week. In Small Oklahoma Homecoming Week represents a time of excitement. School Spirit is set on fire and people come together to celebrate all that is good in a town- the school, their high school football team and the young men and women who were picked as Homecoming Royalty to represent their student body.

Each week there was a theme for grades pre-k through 12th to dress up and have a little fun! Growing in Skiatook I was accustomed to this ritual- we had 60's day, 80's day, cross dress day, backward day and of course my favorite- Spirit Day!!!

In Sperry this year for the elementary- we had- hat day, crazy sock day, favorite shirt day, rocker day and Pirate Spirit Day!

My kids and I have always went ALL OUT dressing up for Homecoming Week. When I was in high school- my friends and I would always make a trip to Goodwill to find the perfect outfits for homecoming week! I am so glad I have passed that school spirit down to my children! They love to participate in all the things at school......good memories!

Dax of course is my Jim Carrey wanna be and he loves to take on a different persona for whatever the event may be! He has tons of fun being the most outlandish student in his grade! Instead of just wearing a hat for hat day- he took his Chicken Hat and his Joker Hat- very funny! Mady loved Crazy Sock Day- she got to wear her hot pink and black zebra print socks she loves so much! For Spirit Day- We got up early and went to Skiatook Wal-Mart to purchase orange, black and white hair color so they could color their before school!!! So there I was in the Skiatook Wal-Mart parking lot spraying color in the kids' hair- crazy I know!!! But they love it and I love making them happy!

The entire school participate in the School Homecoming parade at the end of the school day Friday- my cheer squad got to be in the parade as well as the other cheerleaders, football players and the high school teams and homecoming court.

That evening we took Torie, Cheyenne, Dax and Mady to Homecoming Game- and all the kids had me color their hair the same! They all looked so cute!!! Sperry won their game and it was great time with friends and family!

The next day the Alumni Association hosted a town wide Homecoming Parade. The shriners, alumni, all the elem, jr high and high school football teams and cheer squads were on floats as well as the high school classes and homecoming court! It was a great time to be a Sperry Pirate! Everyone sported their Orange, Black and White and the Pirate Spirit was alive as ever! I was proud to be a part of it and proud my children are part of such a proud town! My cheer squad got to do their dance and then we were off to games in Dewey!

We had a great time and I am so glad they are so proud of their school! Having School Spirit keeps the student, parents and community as a whole involved in their school! I know when I was growing up school spirit was at its highest and it made my childhood as well as teenage years an exciting fun time that I will cherish forever. I can only hope to give my children the same experience throughout their time as a Sperry Pirate!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


So my 30th birthday is rapidly approaching and I have to admitted it is somewhat daunting. The grey hair is starting to appear, fine lines and wrinkles, its harder to lose weight and the growing pains I am experiencing are just NOT FUN! Even though many many people who are older than me say they wish they were 30 again- for me- I wish I was 20 again! My biological clock is ticking and my first born will be 10 in December- it all just seems so unreal! Time goes by way too fast.....I find myself wondering- where is the pause bottom? If there ever was a moment in time I would want to freeze- I would say NOW! I do not want to get older and turning 30 just feels like such a milestone- I am no longer 20 something- but I don't feel like a thirty-something either- where do I fit in? I guess it doesn't help that my husband is 4 years younger than me. I want to look, feel, act- his age- NOT MINE! He keeps telling me that it should make me feel GOOD that I have such a strapping handsome young man as himself- I know- those Bryants are confident beings- but REALLY it makes me feel WORSE! I feel like I need to try harder to be younger since he is younger- silly isn't?? I know he LOVES ME no matter my age, looks, hair, weight- our love goes deeper than all that- BUT grapsing that wholey and completely is just a little difficult for me- right now anyway.
I am sure like most things I will grow and move past all of this worry about growing older but for now it is at the forefront of my mind and I am dealing with it!
I am the happiness and most confident in myself and my relationship as I have ever been in my adult life- I am hoping that 30 does not change that- I want that to stay the same!
SOOOO MUCH has transpired from 20 to 30- I cannot imagine 30-40 topping those ten years! If anything- I am positive they will be the most peaceful, functional, productive, happy, wholesome of my entire life.
Let's see- when I was 20- I had just had Dax, I was a single mother to a preemie baby boy, only had three semesters of college under my belt, slept very little if at all- being the only caregiver to a baby with medical issues was hard work, worked as a waitress on the weekends and went to school at NSU during the week, had no social life, barely any friends (they were all busy living it up at college) and basically- life was a little lonely. I was completely and 100 percent focused and in love with DAX- he was my everything- center of my universe.
AND NOW- WOW! My life is full of friends, family, co-workers and people who I love, trust and enjoy spending time with! AND I have DAX and MADY and MY HUBBY- that share the center of my universe! I have finished college, gone from a miserable marriage to a happy one, survived an abusive marriage, been a single mother to TWO KIDS, worked in the public schools for 3 years, volunteer for any and everything at the school and for my kids and have been fortunate enough to enjoy many great vacations traveling to Denver, the Carribean and New York City.
My life is abundant with love, friendship and family- I am truly blessed.
So as I turn 30 I am hoping to add many more experiences, friendships and blessings to my life- maybe even another child- that would be awesome!!!!