DECEMBER 29, 2006 "DINNER AND A MOVIE"

Friday, December 29, 2006
Dinner and a Movie Current mood: excited
So tonight we are recooperating from a lllllooooonnnngggg week of fun times, good times, great times, laughs and BOOM- there you go!!! AND AGAIN!!!
Seriously- I am making the most of my time of my Christmas Break....spending time with the kids and my friends!
BUT tonight- its me time- or shall I say- girl time! We are doing dinner and a movie at the good ole' bachelorette pad of ARC! It is a long time overdue- we need some serious be the man talks!

Lots of changes are taking place right now in my life- all for the good of course- and sometimes its good just to regroup, talk it out, maybe even cry a little and spend time with the girls- all over dinner and a movie!

DECEMBER 27, 2006 "HOME FROM NEW YORK CITY"

THIS IS THE ENTIRE REASON FOR THE TRIP PICASSO & CEZANNE ON EXHIBITION AT THE MET

Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Home from New York City!!! Current mood: excited Category: Travel and Places
I just have to say that four days in the Big Apple was not long enough!! We did all the tours and sightseeing our bodies could handle- pretty sure we walked about 20 miles!! Tanya and I both decided that we belong in Manhattan and someday we are going to move there!! We almost did want to come home- believe me we tried to think of ways to get our kids up there and just stay forever!!! There was not one thing about that city that I did not absolutely love- even with people having no personal space! By the end of our trip we were taking there subway here and there.....crossing the street when the sign said not to cross and being the New Yorkers we were meant to be!!! We got to see the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, The BIG TREE at Rockefeller Center, Harlem, The East and West Village, The Cathedral of Saint John the Divine, Macy's, The Plaza, Central Park, Times Sqaure (everyday when we walked out of our hotel), the 3 story Toys R Us in Times Square, the biggest book store in NEw York City- 18 miles of books- I was in heaven!!! AND all the homeless people, people on the streets dressed up as Spiderman, Spongebob, King Kong, etc- and yes we took pics with them all- even the homeless- and we paid for them!! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST- the ENTIRE REASON FOR MY TRIP-THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART- CEZANNE TO PICASSO EXHIBITION!!! We spent 4 hours in the museum and it was not near enough time to see it all- but we did cover my favorites- Greek, French and Roman Renaissance Sculpture and Painting, Egyptian art- and MODERN ART----I got to goo and gah over Picasso, Kandisky, Jasper Johns, Max Ernst, Cezanne and that is just to name a few!!
We had a blast! I could not have went with a better friend than Tanya- she loved the city as much as me! We enjoyed every part of the trip and we just could not quit smiling!!

DECEMBER 17, 2006 "SEVEN YEARS"

Sunday, December 17, 2006
Seven Years Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life
I am finally coming to the realization and dealing with the reality of the fact that I spent seven years of my life on someone who did not love me, abused me emotionally and physically, did not let me have friends, did not let me spend time with my family, made me feel insecure and worthless, talked horrible to me, did not help me raise our kids the way he should have, never stood up for me, lied to me, cheated on me, controlled me, was selfish, had a substance abuse problem that he tried to hide from me and made my life just down right miserable- all the while my kids are watching him do this!!!!!! I went through the ups and most of the time downs of my marriage while also staying home raising my kids and putting myself through college- I look back now and I am amazed of all the things I persevered through and still kept my sanity, was a good mom and made good grades- oh yes....and graduated from college- cannot forget that one! And believe me- he did everything in his power to make that hard for me- did not help with the kids so I could study and do homework, even stole my computer one time that had my work on it!!! I look back now and I feel like I do not even know the person I used to be- I cannot believe let someone treat me like that! How painful that had to have been for my kid and my family to watch me go through that! I have made great strides in the six months towards gaining back my confidence, independence and happiness! No longer can he steal my joy- it is mine to keep! I let him take away my peace, joy, happiness and pretty much everything I thought I was- and now- I am getting all those things back- it is good to be back- my family tells me all the time how much they missed the "real Ashley"......for seven years......
At first I was just sooo relieved to be out of the relationship that I did not grasp the severity of the time I lost....that lasted until about a month ago. I am finally coming to terms with how sad my life has been most of my adult life. It is a sad, heartbreaking reality. It makes me want to stay single forever, never get close to anyone, never trust again and not to mention the regret and anger that I deal with EVERYDAY!!! I am not bitter- just VERY guarded- and VERY picky- but I DO KNOW there are good men out there- I have several of them as close friends- even dated one- but I am in no way ready for a good man to come my way- I need ME TIME!!!!
I need to regroup and get to know myself again- ME WITHOUT HIM!!! I know God will reveal in time- the PURPOSE in the TIME I spent in SUFFERING and HEARTACHE- I know HE heard my cries and HE saw my tears and HE gave me the courage to leave and take my children and make a new HOME for US! God has blessed ME with an awesome My family- sister, parents, grandparent- have been my rock- always here to help- always here to listen and always loving me!
I know I have the two best things my ex will ever do in his life- their names are Daxon and Madison- they are precious and wonderful- and thankfully more llike me than him (because he was not around enough). I just hope one day they see how much I tried to make my marriage to their father work, how much I sacrificed and how I am still sacrificing so we can be happy and safe! I am sad for them that they had to watch their dad abuse me and that they have never seen real love or seen how a man should REALLY treat a woman. I love being a mother and never for one second do I regret having my kids- I just wish they had a different dad- someone who would teach them good values, respect me and genuinely love us for all the right reasons and not use the love I have for my kids to hurt me! I am glad that I have my kids- they keep me grounded and make me feel like I am doing something good when they accomplish things and even when they just smile and tell me they love me! I am so proud of them!
Seven years is such a long time to go without love, companionship, happiness and peace- I am sad that I will never have that time back but I am thankful that I was able to grow into the person I am now. I certainly learned a lot about HOW NOT TO treat someone in a relationship and how I WILL NEVER AGAIN let someone treat me bad! I demand respect and I surround myself with people that make me laugh and build me up. Every night when I lay my head on my pillow to go to sleep- I love the peace and quiet- I love not worrying about where someone is at, why they did not come home, if they will come home, why they are mad, feeling bad about a fight and not feeling that sickness in my heart and stomach because I am with someone who does not love me. I cannot believe I put up with that madness and heartache for sooo long! Shame on my parents for teaching me not to give up on things and put my all of my heart and soul in everything I do- LOL....but really- my life is right where I want it to be right now- good friends, love my job, I own my own home, my kids are healthy and happy and I am super happy! I do know the next time I give my heart to someone- they will deserve it, earn it and handle it with care!
So as I start a new year- I will celebrate the fact that I AM reclaiming my life! While I know the years cannot be replaced- I can certainly make sure the next seven years and beyond are happy and peaceful!!!

DECEMBER 10, 2006 "CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK CITY"

Sunday, December 10, 2006
Christmas in New York City!!!! Current mood: ecstatic Category: Travel and Places
So I only have 10 more days until I leave for New York City- that's right- I am going for 3 days- the 20th-23rd with a dear friend of mine- we are going to the Met- Picasso and Cizanne are on exhibition there- we are shopping for Manola Blahniks- we are going to the see the Statue of Liberty- we are going to Rockefeller Center to shop all day and night- going to see David Letterman- and just living it up in the city- we are staying at the Broadway Millenium Hotel and it is soooo super nice!

I just cannot wait and cannot hardly sleep I am just soooo excited! I cannot wait to share the pics!

It is my dream trip come true- you never know- maybe Italy will be next!

I love having good friends that love me and make me happy- right now- life is perfect!

here is the link to our hotel-
http://www.millenniumhotels.com/millenniumnewyork/


I just love it!!!

DECEMBER 1, 2006 "PEOPLE OF THE LIE"

Friday, December 01, 2006
People of the Lie Current mood: ENLIGHTENED
MY SENIOR CAPSTONE PROJECT FOCUSED ON PROVINCIAL LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS IN SMALL TOWNS- MOSTLY THE 19TH CENTURY. IT AMAZES ME HOW SO MANY PEOPLE REFUSE TO BREAKAWAY FROM THE SOCIETAL CONSTRAINTS OF EXPECTANCIES AND COURTESIES THAT DRAG PEOPLE DOWN TO LIVING IN A LIE RATHER THAN A MARRIAGE. I HAVE LIVED THE LIE IN A SMALL TOWN MARRIAGE AND NOW BEING SINGLE IN A SMALL TOWN HAS GIVEN ME AN ENLIGHTENMENT ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT I HAD EXPECTED. I AM ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN ON SO MANY PEOPLE, THEIR MARRIAGES, THEIR FRIENDSHIPS AND EVEN THEIR SECRETS. I HAVE BEEN BEYOND SHOCKED AT THE AUDACITY OF LONELY MARRIED MEN WHO THINK JUST BECAUSE I AM SINGLE- I AM DESPERATE AND WOULD RESORT TO HAVING A SECRET RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ONLY TAKEN- BUT MARRIED- SERIOUSLY??? SO BECAUSE OF MY CURRENT EXPERIENCE WITH THIS SHOCKING REALITY OF LIVING IN A SMALL TOWN WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT PUTTING ON A "GOOD FACE" FOR SHOW- WHEN ACTUALLY THEY ARE BARELY SPEAKING BEHING CLOSED DOORS AND LIVE IN LOVELESS MARRIAGES- BEEN THERE- DONE THAT- AND I TRULY FEEL FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING IN THESE HOMES. BUT ANYWAY- THIS EXPERIENCE HAS ENCOURAGED ME TO WRITE A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WHO ARE LIVING THE LIE.......

Cordially waving, smiling, laughing- they are all around us- PEOPLE OF THE LIE. They go home to their loveless marriages, empty parenting and continue their mundane lives day in and day out. They volunteer at the schools, bake their food, dress their best, coach their kid's teams and put on a facade for the world. They sit in the same pew at church every Sunday and gladly pay their tithes- hoping they can buy their repentence and hide behind our God who knows our hearts- with their money and obedient attendance. They run their businesses, hold down good jobs, support their famlies and drive the newest SUV. They continue on- day after day- month after month- year after year- like robots marching in a parade- they become hallow shells of human beings. Their lie becomes them, envelopes them, consumes their children, blinds their friends, family and neighbors and gives them comfort in their misery!
WOE TO THE PEOPLE OF THE LIE!!!!!!!

"Some people did what their neighbors did so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them. "
George Eliot, Middlemarch