JANUARY 30, 2007 "SICK AND TIRED"

dax at veterans day program

mady sock hop day

mady thanksgiving program

dax won two awards for 2nd grade

my sister and I with Dax- he was crown bearer

in Skiatook Wrestling Homecoming 1/30/2007

Tuesday, January 30, 2007
SICK AND TIRED (What it takes to be a REAL parent) Current mood: tired Category: Life
Being a parent involves so many aspects of life. To name the top four- spiritual, emotional, physical and financial support of your children! You cannot pick and choose which of these you want to uphold- you must uphold all of them- or guess what- you are not a good parent! BOTTOM LINE!! If you cannot make time for your children- to be there for them at important events- like watching your son be the crown bearer at homecoming- taking them to their awards banquet- taking them to their games- then GUESS WHAT- YOU ARE NOT A GOOD PARENT!!!! I am sick and tired of the b.s. and of people who think just because their check is being garnished for child support and they pick up their kids every other weekend- they are a good parent!!! NO YOU ARE NOT!!! There is so much more that comes with being a parent- like- staying home with them from work when they are sick- even though youve already used all your sick leave and you know you wont get paid- talking with their teachers on a weekly basis- inviting their friends over for playdates- playing twister until your legs and arms hurt- reading books- singing and dancing to music- praying together- playing together- cheering them on at ALL THEIR SPORTS EVENTS- taking their picture as they get their trophies- hugging them when they are sad- disciplining them when they need it- cooking together- being the parent that has the camera and the camcorder on the front row so you will have memories of your childhood to cherish- respecting their other parent even though you cant stand them- coaching their sports team- showing up to their games- teaching them to have positive attitude- teaching them to share- teaching the that family is the most important thing in this life- teaching them to forgive- sacrificing your happiness to make them happy- swallowing your pride to provide for them- smiling when you just want to cry- making life happen for them day in and day out- putting their happiness before your own-
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY- LOVING THEM EVERYDAY (which means- calling them everyday & being there for their important events)!!!
I am sick and tired of dead beat parents hurting their children- its painful to watch!!! Why have children if you do not want to be a REAL PARENT???

JANUARY 19, 2007 "FOR ALL THE SINGLE MOTHERS OUT THERE"

me & marcie- my single mom friend!

Friday, January 19, 2007
For all the Single Mothers Current mood: contemplative Category: Life
I have come to the realization that single mothers have the most thick, tough skin of anyone in this world! I know motherhood in itself makes a woman have superwoman qualities- but imagine doing it day in and day out- ALONE! No help from anyone! Imagine having children with someone who despises you and does everything in their power to make your life difficult and uses your kids to hurt- or even worse- having a child who has been adandoned by their other parent (that has happened to me before when my son was born). BUT you love your kids so you fight back retaliation and harsh words that you could say in response to being called a curse words and vulgar names in front of your children. YOU fight back getting upset when he refuses to help pay his share of medical expenses, extracurricular acitivites, birthday parties, and better yet- CHILD SUPPORT! You try not to cry in front of your children when they come home and tell you they did not have presents under the tree at their dad's house, or they lost a tooth at his house and the tooth fairy did not come- even better- he does not come get them at all and you have to see the hurt and pain in your children's eyes!
Each day you wake up to the reality that your children- the most precious things in the world to you- are depending solely upon you to show them the way in life because their other parent does know the meaning of morals or standards. No matter if you are having a bad day, you are sick- you have to be a mother first and make their life happen before you can do anything for yourself! You wake up each day and ask yourself if leaving their parent to get out of an abuse marriage was so right then why is it so hard? When will things start to turn around and when will your children not have to be hurt by this person anymore?
Being at home with my kids all week- day and night- made me realize- I am doing this- and I am doing a good job! Did their father call one time this week and ask to take to lunch (he works in Skiatook) or help me out (knowing I had been cooped up in the house all day with them)- Of course not!!! All he thinks about is himself- he is allowed that luxury- because I am the most selfless person in this world and sacrifice my very being for my children to have what they need and for them to be happy! I know what is right- and that is putting my kids first and foremost in my life- who else is going to do that? No one!
From day one- when I had my son at 20- he was born 2 months early- I was all alone- his dad was not around- I was at NICU from 8 in the morning until midnight- making sure he was okay- I had just had a c-section and it was freezing cold outside and I would walk from the parking lot in BFE to the hospital in so much pain- but knew he needed me- I was the only one- he was and still is my miracle baby and my world! And I hate the fact that someday he will have to know the truth- that his father was not there when he born, did not come to the hospital- did not even see his precious face until he was a year old! It breaks my heart that he will to feel the pain and rejection that I felt that entire year! My daughter will also know the truth that her dad was not there for her when she was born either! Sometimes I wonder why I put so much effort into someone who put so little effort into us? THEN I realize- my life is not over- I got a new start- I got away- I can show my children what love really is- happiness and goodness- and they deserve that! Thank GOD my children have me because my number one job on this earth is to make sure they have a good life- despite who their father is- their mother is awesome and will do her best to provide for them, love them, nurture them, be there for them, take care of them when their hurt or sick and show them how to be a good person!
So for anyone who would ever think about messing with a single mother- and believe me- what I mentioned in the above blog- is only the tip of the iceberg to the mess I have been through- I would think twce- you might just unleash a lion!!!

JANUARY 8, 2007 "AFTER THE STORM"

Monday, January 08, 2007
After the Storm..... Current mood: pleased Category: Life
So as you all know I bought my first home as a single woman in August. THe house was built in 1952 and along with buying an older home comes older buildings- otherwise known as "sheds". My house sits on an acre and I have 3 sheds that really are on their last leg!!! So after the recents snow storms in DEcember- 2 of 3 of the roofs caved in on these things....and well it is pretty much a mess!! SO Today I just got sick of it and was like "okay it is a new year- 2007- time to clean up messes in my personal life and on my property!". So me, my bare hands and a hammer, hit, tore, pulled, moved and cleared out those 2 buildings- ALL BY MYSELF!!! No work gloves, no fancy tools, no machines or powered saws- just me, my anger, my stress and my woman power- and of course- the hammer and we got the job done! I was so proud that I had to call my best friend T is for Tanya to come see the finished product- she was impressed!! It was so theurapetic!! I have been saying for months that I needed a punching bag but this was far more better- because I was making progress on my yard and that felt good! IT felt good to let it out- it felt good to do something I thought only a man could do- it felt good that every 5 minutes my daughter would stop and say "man mom you are strong"- it felt good that I was showing her that I can do it all- I felt like superwoman!! So I am glad for the storm- glad that I have a project to get my mind off my ocean of stress and worries and mostly I am glad that I can do so many things on my own and without the help of a man- it feels good to clean things up after the storm! 2007 is going to be a great year!!!

JANUARY 3, 2007 "I DID IT AGAIN"

Wednesday, January 03, 2007
I did it again!!! Current mood: excited
For the regular readers of my famous blog you might remember a few months ago when I posted the blog about being so proud of my single, independent self for putting up a trampoline by myself- well I have to share YET ANOTHER proud single mother moment with all my blog admirers!!!
My daughter's bunk bed has been sitting in her room in pieces for the last two months!
SO tonight I set out on the bunk bed challenge and I am proud to say I had it all put together in less than an hour- using only my two hands! I swear the woman power just consumes me and radiates from my presence!
Even though I do not really promote nor believe in New Year's Resolutions- because let's face it- we all need to be happy with who we are and where we are at right now- the changing of a date cannot miraculously make our problems go away or our butts get any skinnier but I will admit that when I adopted the motto- "New Year- New ME" because I have been through a very rough year! So with that motto in my mind- I took a look at my daughter's bed and my new set of tools- and thought- to heck with waiting on some man or boy to come over and help me! I can do this myself! Geez....I already gave birth to and am raising two awesome children on my own- what could be harder than that?
So with 2007 ahead of me and the frame of mind that I can do anything within my power-I know this year is going to be the best yet!

DECEMBER 29, 2006 "DINNER AND A MOVIE"

Friday, December 29, 2006
Dinner and a Movie Current mood: excited
So tonight we are recooperating from a lllllooooonnnngggg week of fun times, good times, great times, laughs and BOOM- there you go!!! AND AGAIN!!!
Seriously- I am making the most of my time of my Christmas Break....spending time with the kids and my friends!
BUT tonight- its me time- or shall I say- girl time! We are doing dinner and a movie at the good ole' bachelorette pad of ARC! It is a long time overdue- we need some serious be the man talks!

Lots of changes are taking place right now in my life- all for the good of course- and sometimes its good just to regroup, talk it out, maybe even cry a little and spend time with the girls- all over dinner and a movie!

DECEMBER 17, 2006 "SEVEN YEARS"

Sunday, December 17, 2006
Seven Years Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life
I am finally coming to the realization and dealing with the reality of the fact that I spent seven years of my life on someone who did not love me, abused me emotionally and physically, did not let me have friends, did not let me spend time with my family, made me feel insecure and worthless, talked horrible to me, did not help me raise our kids the way he should have, never stood up for me, lied to me, cheated on me, controlled me, was selfish, had a substance abuse problem that he tried to hide from me and made my life just down right miserable- all the while my kids are watching him do this!!!!!! I went through the ups and most of the time downs of my marriage while also staying home raising my kids and putting myself through college- I look back now and I am amazed of all the things I persevered through and still kept my sanity, was a good mom and made good grades- oh yes....and graduated from college- cannot forget that one! And believe me- he did everything in his power to make that hard for me- did not help with the kids so I could study and do homework, even stole my computer one time that had my work on it!!! I look back now and I feel like I do not even know the person I used to be- I cannot believe let someone treat me like that! How painful that had to have been for my kid and my family to watch me go through that! I have made great strides in the six months towards gaining back my confidence, independence and happiness! No longer can he steal my joy- it is mine to keep! I let him take away my peace, joy, happiness and pretty much everything I thought I was- and now- I am getting all those things back- it is good to be back- my family tells me all the time how much they missed the "real Ashley"......for seven years......
At first I was just sooo relieved to be out of the relationship that I did not grasp the severity of the time I lost....that lasted until about a month ago. I am finally coming to terms with how sad my life has been most of my adult life. It is a sad, heartbreaking reality. It makes me want to stay single forever, never get close to anyone, never trust again and not to mention the regret and anger that I deal with EVERYDAY!!! I am not bitter- just VERY guarded- and VERY picky- but I DO KNOW there are good men out there- I have several of them as close friends- even dated one- but I am in no way ready for a good man to come my way- I need ME TIME!!!!
I need to regroup and get to know myself again- ME WITHOUT HIM!!! I know God will reveal in time- the PURPOSE in the TIME I spent in SUFFERING and HEARTACHE- I know HE heard my cries and HE saw my tears and HE gave me the courage to leave and take my children and make a new HOME for US! God has blessed ME with an awesome My family- sister, parents, grandparent- have been my rock- always here to help- always here to listen and always loving me!
I know I have the two best things my ex will ever do in his life- their names are Daxon and Madison- they are precious and wonderful- and thankfully more llike me than him (because he was not around enough). I just hope one day they see how much I tried to make my marriage to their father work, how much I sacrificed and how I am still sacrificing so we can be happy and safe! I am sad for them that they had to watch their dad abuse me and that they have never seen real love or seen how a man should REALLY treat a woman. I love being a mother and never for one second do I regret having my kids- I just wish they had a different dad- someone who would teach them good values, respect me and genuinely love us for all the right reasons and not use the love I have for my kids to hurt me! I am glad that I have my kids- they keep me grounded and make me feel like I am doing something good when they accomplish things and even when they just smile and tell me they love me! I am so proud of them!
Seven years is such a long time to go without love, companionship, happiness and peace- I am sad that I will never have that time back but I am thankful that I was able to grow into the person I am now. I certainly learned a lot about HOW NOT TO treat someone in a relationship and how I WILL NEVER AGAIN let someone treat me bad! I demand respect and I surround myself with people that make me laugh and build me up. Every night when I lay my head on my pillow to go to sleep- I love the peace and quiet- I love not worrying about where someone is at, why they did not come home, if they will come home, why they are mad, feeling bad about a fight and not feeling that sickness in my heart and stomach because I am with someone who does not love me. I cannot believe I put up with that madness and heartache for sooo long! Shame on my parents for teaching me not to give up on things and put my all of my heart and soul in everything I do- LOL....but really- my life is right where I want it to be right now- good friends, love my job, I own my own home, my kids are healthy and happy and I am super happy! I do know the next time I give my heart to someone- they will deserve it, earn it and handle it with care!
So as I start a new year- I will celebrate the fact that I AM reclaiming my life! While I know the years cannot be replaced- I can certainly make sure the next seven years and beyond are happy and peaceful!!!

NOVEMBER 2, 2006 "PUTTING ON MY...."

Thursday, November 02, 2006
Putting on my Current mood: hopeful Category: Life
A few months ago a very dear friend of mine gave me a print out that has a woman looking mean as ever and on it is the phrase "Put on your 'big girl' panties and deal with it!". I never knew how much this phrase would help me get through all the heartbreaking times I have been going through- until the last few days! I have learned to do exactly that- put on my "big girl" panties and deal with it! I am pretty sure that my skin could not be any thicker and my heart could not be any tougher! But one thing I do know is that I am not bitter, nor is my heart too broken to heal and love again and again and again- however many times it takes to find the one who deserves my love! God gave us love to use it- that is His "greatest gift" to us! I refuse to let a broken heart, broken promises, let downs, hurts, betrayal, lies and did I mention a broken heart? GET ME DOWN- I will not do it! Yes I cry, yes I get mad, yes I think about revenge and yes at times I wish things were different- but you know what- they are not and I have to just deal with it, pray about it, know God will take care of me and mine- like He always does- and MOVE ON!!!
So girls the best advice I can give any of you right now is just this-
"PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT"!!!!!!!!!!

OCTOBER 9, 2006 "DOING IT ALONE"

Monday, October 09, 2006
Doing it alone Current mood: pleased

SO today I took on the task of putting together a huge trampoline alone- without the help of another adult and let me just say- it was a sight to see!
There I was- leg hiked up on the trampoline pole, garden gloves on my hands, pulling the springs to the holes- it is not as easy as it might seem! Once it got down to the last 20 springs it was hard labor!!! I am sure the 50 people that drove my house and saw me in my front yard sweating, pulling, leg hiked up pushing the pole- thought I was a complete lunatic! BUT I promised my kids we would put the trampoline together today after school and darn it I was going to do it for them- and do it alone! I have not felt such accomplishment in a long time as I did when I got that last spring in its hole! My kids were so happy and so proud of my hard work- it was a proud moment of single motherhood- I love this journey of doing it alone! Very rewarding in more ways than one!
I love being a mom and I love my children- they make all this drama fade away and they are certainly worth the drama I have to put up with!

Thursday, September 07, 2006
I am WHO I am
Due to current events in my divorced life it has come to my attention- I AM WHO I AM- There is no changing me- I am a good person, an awesome mother, a loyal friend, tried to be a good wife and I am good at what I do professionally! So why is it that someone who claimed to love me for 7 years wants to do nothing but make up lies about me and try to bring me down?
I really do not get it! You give birth to someone's children- that right there should earn you a lifetime of at least RESPECT! But no not in my case! The hate voicemails, the mean looks, the slanderous rumors, the constant mind games with our children- it has to stop! Not to mention the fact that he won't pay child support, he hangs out with losers (and brings our son along with him), he won't pay daycare costs and he still claims to be a "good dad" and believe he will get joint custody- What in the world- Ignorance is truly bliss!!
I am not claiming to be a perfect person and I am the first one to tell anyone I meet that the knowledge and wisdom I have now is completely attributed to learning from mistakes in the past made by myself and my parents. I have a gold mine of mistakes made and lessons learned in my brain! But at least I deserve some peace, some respect and for once in the last 7 years- a little bit of happiness!! It hurts my soul and shakes me to the core when the person who is the father of my children does everything in his power to disrupt my world, hurt my feelings, confuse my children and make things difficult for me financially!
If there is anything I will teach my son it will be to respect his wife and cherish her as the mother of his children- that should be the new golden rule in this life!

SEPTEMBER 5, 2006 "MOVING UP"

Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Moving up Current mood: good
I do not like nor do I prefer the words "moving on"- I choose to use the phrase- "moving up". In all acutality when one parts from another- we set our standards higher (at least that is how it should be). We take the loss, let down, hurt and pain of the past relationship- learn from it- and come out a wiser person equipped with the ability to decipher the good from bad, the spoiled from the self-sufficient and the rotten from the primed.
So at this time in my life I want to say I am "moving up"- to better things, bigger places and people with morals, standards, goals, initiative and class. Is that too much to ask? I don't really think so- is that hard to find- certainly!

AUGUST 24, 2006 "HOME ALONE"

Thursday, August 24, 2006
Home Alone Current mood: satisfied
Last night I had a severe case of "sleepless in Skiatook"- the kids were at their dad's for their Wed. night visit and I was home alone in my new house- and it was toooooo quiet! Sure I got the random text every hour or so but actually not having someone there to talk to or another presence in my home was weird, awkward, relaxing, freaky, scary, nice and baffling all at the same time!
I got a lot done but it was still just so quiet! I have been a mother since I was 20 years old and I have become so accustomed to my kids being home or someone being there- either my ex or my sister- that I did not realize how quiet.......quiet could really be......After 7 years of noise last night I had my first taste of pure, complete, absolute- aloneness and silence- I am still turning it over in my head to decide if I hate it or like it- maybe a little bit of both- but either way- life is so different for me now- living alone, being alone, recognizing myself in the silence of a home that I can call mine- without someone there threatening to make me leave or telling me they do not want me there! Everything that surrounds me are things that are chosen by ME not forced upon myself by someone else!
I love that feeling.....My home is me, my kids are me, my friends are me, my things are me, my life is all about ME and my kids- nothing more- nothing less. The silence that surrounds me verifies, solidifies and justifies the fact that I am meant to have this time alone- in a house that is mine- no renting, no staying with my sister- it is mine- and I am making it all ABOUT ME and MY KIDS- for the first time in my adult life- and I have to say- life is so surreal!

August 14, 2006 "Goodbye Summer, Hello School Year"

Monday, August 14, 2006
Goodbye Summer, hello School year Current mood: content Category: Life

Well looks like come Thursday my summer will be officially coming to an end.....

AS the school year starts I am getting prepared for PTA meetings, coaching my cheer squad- very excited about that!!!, gymnastic practice, football pratice, putting together the first ever SBFA pep rally- should be fun!! All the while I am getting ready to move into my new house- I am so excited about that! I think I am closing on Thursday, painting and cleaning on Friday and Saturday and moving on Sunday- I cannot wait!! The kids are so ready too! I have bought all the odds and ends and new furniture- fresh new start- what a journey it has been to finally get here- the spot of complete and whole completion and satisfaction in my life, where I am, who I am and what is to come.......serenity....maybe....but certainly.....success and redemption......and witness to the fact that one can always pull themselves up from the deepest, darkest of holes and come out shining like a bright new star- except much smarter and wiser than ever before- and certainly equipped with the knowledge needed to prevent oneself from repeating past mistakes and being brought down again by anyone or anything!!!

Thanks to all my friends and family that gave me moral support and helped me get to the point I am now!! And mostly- thank you my Lord and Savior for blessing me with two awesome healthy children and daily strength and courage to be the mother they deserve to have!