Sunday, December 17, 2006
Seven Years Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life
I am finally coming to the realization and dealing with the reality of the fact that I spent seven years of my life on someone who did not love me, abused me emotionally and physically, did not let me have friends, did not let me spend time with my family, made me feel insecure and worthless, talked horrible to me, did not help me raise our kids the way he should have, never stood up for me, lied to me, cheated on me, controlled me, was selfish, had a substance abuse problem that he tried to hide from me and made my life just down right miserable- all the while my kids are watching him do this!!!!!! I went through the ups and most of the time downs of my marriage while also staying home raising my kids and putting myself through college- I look back now and I am amazed of all the things I persevered through and still kept my sanity, was a good mom and made good grades- oh yes....and graduated from college- cannot forget that one! And believe me- he did everything in his power to make that hard for me- did not help with the kids so I could study and do homework, even stole my computer one time that had my work on it!!! I look back now and I feel like I do not even know the person I used to be- I cannot believe let someone treat me like that! How painful that had to have been for my kid and my family to watch me go through that! I have made great strides in the six months towards gaining back my confidence, independence and happiness! No longer can he steal my joy- it is mine to keep! I let him take away my peace, joy, happiness and pretty much everything I thought I was- and now- I am getting all those things back- it is good to be back- my family tells me all the time how much they missed the "real Ashley"......for seven years......
At first I was just sooo relieved to be out of the relationship that I did not grasp the severity of the time I lost....that lasted until about a month ago. I am finally coming to terms with how sad my life has been most of my adult life. It is a sad, heartbreaking reality. It makes me want to stay single forever, never get close to anyone, never trust again and not to mention the regret and anger that I deal with EVERYDAY!!! I am not bitter- just VERY guarded- and VERY picky- but I DO KNOW there are good men out there- I have several of them as close friends- even dated one- but I am in no way ready for a good man to come my way- I need ME TIME!!!!
I need to regroup and get to know myself again- ME WITHOUT HIM!!! I know God will reveal in time- the PURPOSE in the TIME I spent in SUFFERING and HEARTACHE- I know HE heard my cries and HE saw my tears and HE gave me the courage to leave and take my children and make a new HOME for US! God has blessed ME with an awesome My family- sister, parents, grandparent- have been my rock- always here to help- always here to listen and always loving me!
I know I have the two best things my ex will ever do in his life- their names are Daxon and Madison- they are precious and wonderful- and thankfully more llike me than him (because he was not around enough). I just hope one day they see how much I tried to make my marriage to their father work, how much I sacrificed and how I am still sacrificing so we can be happy and safe! I am sad for them that they had to watch their dad abuse me and that they have never seen real love or seen how a man should REALLY treat a woman. I love being a mother and never for one second do I regret having my kids- I just wish they had a different dad- someone who would teach them good values, respect me and genuinely love us for all the right reasons and not use the love I have for my kids to hurt me! I am glad that I have my kids- they keep me grounded and make me feel like I am doing something good when they accomplish things and even when they just smile and tell me they love me! I am so proud of them!
Seven years is such a long time to go without love, companionship, happiness and peace- I am sad that I will never have that time back but I am thankful that I was able to grow into the person I am now. I certainly learned a lot about HOW NOT TO treat someone in a relationship and how I WILL NEVER AGAIN let someone treat me bad! I demand respect and I surround myself with people that make me laugh and build me up. Every night when I lay my head on my pillow to go to sleep- I love the peace and quiet- I love not worrying about where someone is at, why they did not come home, if they will come home, why they are mad, feeling bad about a fight and not feeling that sickness in my heart and stomach because I am with someone who does not love me. I cannot believe I put up with that madness and heartache for sooo long! Shame on my parents for teaching me not to give up on things and put my all of my heart and soul in everything I do- LOL....but really- my life is right where I want it to be right now- good friends, love my job, I own my own home, my kids are healthy and happy and I am super happy! I do know the next time I give my heart to someone- they will deserve it, earn it and handle it with care!
So as I start a new year- I will celebrate the fact that I AM reclaiming my life! While I know the years cannot be replaced- I can certainly make sure the next seven years and beyond are happy and peaceful!!!