Music Heals the Soul? I Say Music WITH a Side of Dancing Heals the Soul!

It's been nearly two years since the Hubby and I enjoyed a night out on the town. Not that we don't like going out and dancing...we LOVE to! We just seldom make time for ourselves to do the fun stuff! We were kidless and Hubby the day off Friday so Thursday night we ventured out with family and friends and danced the night away!

As we drove to Tulsa I started thinking about exactly WHY it had been so long since we had been dancing since we love it so much. I decided the last two years have just been busy and challenging! Here's a little breakdown: for 11 months we were entrenched in a custody battle (that thankfully we put to rest in May 2010), we sold a house, remodeled and moved into another house, lost a beloved grandfather, lost a beloved family dog, we spent all of summer 2010 at the lake (our best summer yet), the kids switched schools (for the best), kids school & sports, I walked away from working in public education to begin a new career in new home sales, writing & marketing and we spent two months preparing, go through (11 days in Vegas) IVF to try to have a baby which ended in a miscarriage. So I would say I understand WHY it's been so long since we took time to enjoy ourselves by spending the night out on the town.

We danced our hearts out for nearly 4 hours. Singing, laughing and mostly- DANCING! As we were enjoying the evening I looked my hubby in the eyes and I was overwhelmed by the fact that after everything we had been through...we are still as happy as the first day we fell in love! He still gives me chills when he touches, makes me laugh and sweeps me off my feet when we dance! I am truly blessed!

Even though a part of me remains in recovery mode I can say that for the first time since November I felt healed! By the music and especially by the dancing...my soul was calmed and I felt NORMAL again! Thank you Lord for giving us music and giving couples like Hubby and I dancing...so when we are climbing our way out of the valley we can do so while dancing  and singing!

I AM DEDICATING THIS POST TO MARY KATHRYN RIDENOUR...LIFELONG SPERRY/SKIATOOK RESIDENT, MOM, GRANDMOTHER, GREAT-GRANDMOTHER, SISTER, COUSIN, AUNT, FRIEND AND LOVING CHRISTIAN WOMAN WHO WENT TO BE WITH HER LORD JANUARY 1, 2010. SHE WILL BE MISSED BY MANY. HER GRANDDAUGHTER SHARED WITH ME YESTERDAY THAT SHE ENJOYED READING MY IVF BLOG POSTS AND WOULD ALWAYS VISIT WITH HER ABOUT IT. SHE LOVED SINGING AND I HAVE MANY FOND MEMORIES OF HER IN THE CHURCH CHOIR. KATHRYN WAS SUCH AN ENCOURAGEMENT AND INSPIRATION TO ME WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING!  I WAS BLESSED TO KNOW HER!

Walking With God

We didn't make it to church this morning as we had a house full of chattering, giggling, running through the house kids last night who were up until 4 am. But they had a good time and that's all that matters. Thankfully I had our church bulletin in my email and was able to read it over just a little bit ago. In it was an amazing poem that spoke directly to me and so I am sharing it with you! Here it goes:




Walking With God Sometimes I walk in the shadow, 
Sometimes in sunlight clear; 
But whether in gloom or brightness
The Lord is very near. 
Sometimes I walk in the valley, 
Sometimes on the mountain crest, 
But whether on low or high land, 
The Lord is manifest. 
Sometimes I walk in the desert, 
Sometimes in waters cold, 
But whether by sands or streamlets
The Lord doth me enfold. 
Sometimes I walk in green pastures, 
Sometimes on barren land; 
But whether in peace or danger 
The Lord holds fast my hand. 

 This poem sums up exactly how it feels to live the life of a Christian. Times will not always be sunny, happy, safe, healthy or joyful. There will be times of disappointment, sadness, sorrow, darkness and sickness. But as long as we walk with God we know we will grow into better people and come out of valley with a story to share and hope to keep us going. It also reminds us that the Lord is ALWAYS with us through the good and the bad times. He walks with us and never lets go of our hand. 


So keep hanging on and keep your faith and I promise one day you will be at top of your mountain, shining in the sun!  

Keeping the Peace

As I discussed in my last blog I started reading Joyce Meyer's book In Pursuit of Peace: 21 Ways to Conquer Anxiety, Fear and Discontentment. I knew I would be unable to set the book down when even before finishing the Introduction I was moved to tears. I want to share this paragraph with you:

"We tend to think that persons with the greatest faith are the ones who get the miracles. I'm not really sure about that, myself. We make so much out of miracles, when they happen. We think, Oh, what great faith they must have! They got a miracle. But I think the ones with the greater faith are the ones who KEEP THEIR PEACE even they don't get the miracles they wanted. I think the greater faith is in those who have to walk it out and decide to love God anyway. The people who don't get everything they're asking for, and who might not understand why, but yet continue to love and praise God, are truly trusting God. They stay in church, give their tithes and offerings, and stay full of peace. That is remarkable faith, in my opinion."

I absolutely 200% needed to hear those exact words! When you feel let down and without your miracle, it is so easy to backslide into self loathing, disappointment, envy, resentment and bitterness. Through this entire process, especially the hurtful ending, keeping my faith and being still in God's peace gave me strength even I did not know I had. And believe me, my life has been NO CAKE WALK, I have overcome mountains and persevered through many trials...but this time it was different...this time the understanding and peace were insurmountable. It was hard to think we did not get our miracle and not question why others got theirs while we are still waiting. But at the end of the day, I rested in a peace beyond understanding that can only come from our Savior.

Just like Joyce says, we did not get what we wanted and we don't understand why, but we are choosing to "walk it out" and "keep our peace". I know I have looked at others and fought back envy thinking "why did they get their miracle and we did not?". So this paragraph grabbed me by the heart strings and gave me the assurance I needed in my faith and my peace. Through this journey I know that without our faith and peace we would have been completely defeated and crushed by the end result. Not that we aren't heartbroken or sad...but in our heartbroken sadness we still walk in the victory that God gives us on a daily basis. We are not losing sight of the prize and we are still praying for our miracle to come in God's time and believing in God's plan for us.

Thank you Joyce Meyer for being so awesome and just "getting it". I am so excited about this book. I love reading books that you feel were written JUST FOR YOU! It speaks to me, it moves me, it inspires me and I hope I can take that inspiration and inspire someone else!

SO I am KEEPING THE PEACE...holding on to it for dear and seeking it out in everything I do, hope for, pray for and think about....and I hope and pray you are doing the same....

Setbacks and Comebacks

Honestly when we think about our lives...we all have them- days we shine in the sun and days we are foreshadowed by darkness. Life is a revolving series of setbacks and comebacks. Certainly my days of sunniness and comebacks far outnumber my days of darkness and setbacks. Embracing the darkness and setbacks is pivotal in learning how to grow through our heartaches, letdowns, losses and disappointments. My times in the valley were honestly the times I grew the most spiritually and though this IVF was extremely hard emotionally I can say that even a day after the bad news...I am looking back with such a thankful heart for the experience. I am stronger and more determined now than ever to get that FINAL COMEBACK and have a baby with the love of my life! God has really blessed me with peace these last few days. All the calls, texts, emails, facebook messages have been amazing, blessings and so encouraging! I really love my friends and family so much! I am so glad I did not keep our IVF journey and our infertility a "dirty little secret" like many infertile couples do! No it is not easy putting myself out there especially the failure, hurt, sadness and pain but I am a FIRM BELIEVER that God allows us to go through certain things- sometimes good- sometimes bad- FOR A REASON and for me- that reason is so I can share my journey/struggle/triumph with others and hopefully touch someone or help someone along the way. There are so many people around you struggling with infertility...you would be amazed...and so many do not talk about it. So I am doing the talking for them I guess!

Infertility is absolutely an example of a revolving door of setbacks and comebacks. When Hubby and I set out on this journey we did so with all the confidence in the world that this would work on the FIRST TRY for us. We are young, healthy, we passed all the tests and thankfully our only issue is with my plumbing. Why wouldn't this work perfectly for us? After reading online blogs and forums I became well aware that it's a 50/50 chance when dealing with IVF and we could fall on either side of those lines regardless our infertility issues.

We started out ahead of the game- my FSH was perfect, my uterine lining was perfect, my Estradiol level perfect, Ovarian Reserve perfect and Hubby's sperm also perfect! Comeback times five! The shots were not as bad as I thought they would be...a little setback just because weeks and weeks of several shots a day can wear a person down but ultimately we knew it was for a good cause. We got to Vegas and my first ultrasound showed awesome Follicle growth and response to stimulation meds. For a Micro IVF patient producing 24 Follices was phenomenal. Most Micro patients produce 10-15 Follices. Another Comeback! Egg Retrieval was pushed up a day and Dr. was able to retrieve 14 mature eggs- Comeback again! Out of 14 we had 13 eggs fertilized- we were rocking this IVF! Comeback! On Day 3 the report was good we had 5 embryos leading the way who were already at 8 cell and the other were growing good as well- we still had 11 in the running. Comeback Queen! Day 5 presented our first setback- none of 4 embryos we had left had reached the blastocyst stage that my Dr. likes to transfer at so our Egg Transfer was pushed another day. Setback!

I believe it was Day 5 that the anxiety set in. I spent that entire day on egg shells praying and hoping that our embryos would grow and reach that perfect stage! Day 6 came and we had one early blastocyst and one compacted embryo- Dr. Sher was willing to transfer BOTH. We were scheduled for 11:00....then an hour later- we were moved to 3:30 to give them a few more hours to grow a little more...Setback Setback! Thankfully those two were fighters and we made it transfer! Transfer went perfectly and smoothly! Comeback baby!

I was most anxious because I knew we were scheduled to fly home the next day first thing in the morning with a 12 hour travel plan which meant I would not get my 24 hours of bed rest. Setback! Finally we made it home to the kiddos and our doggies...they were on Thanksgiving Break for a week so I was able to stay in bed a lot and rest up...comeback!

The Two Week Wait has got to be the most excruciating. For me it was because I am such a busy body mom that I felt like my life was on hold for two weeks. The NOT KNOWING drove me a little nuts mainly because I am a control freak and just like to know what the rules are, what is going on and what is going to happen- at all times! Mental hardships certainly a setback! Doing IVF right before the holiday is HIGHLY NOT RECOMMENDED! That caused me such anxiety and stress I cannot even put it into words here...it was a huge emotional setback for me. I literally wanted to skip Thanksgiving! Here's why: because you aren't NOT pregnant but you AREN'T pregnant- you just feel like a weirdo! Ugh! You have to be around babies, pregnant people and people who are asking when you find out when you are pregnant or not...and it feels like going shopping at your favorite shoe store WITHOUT any money! You want desperately to buy the shoe you always have wanted and everyone around is purchasing theirs but you are STILL WAITING TO GET PAID! Does that make sense? Maybe I'm crazy? Anyway what I am trying to say is that the holidays were hard and I encourage everyone to skip IVF in the month of November or December unless you live far away from family and don't have to worry about all those issues.

Taking my first home pregnancy test and getting a negative was sad setback...mainly because never in my life had I got a negative on a HPT so it was a bit devastating...SETBACK ALERT! When we got our initial HCG BETA and it was low, I was honestly not surprised though I had hoped and prayed for better results. The SETBACKS just kept coming...then the second of course confirmed what I had feared the most...a chemical pregnancy and early miscarriage. FINAL SETBACK!

The point I am getting at here is that the next thing to come can only be a COMEBACK! There were many COMEBACKS with this IVF and we are blessed beyond measure that we are healthy and have good numbers for Micro IVF. I am so looking forward to our next Comeback Cycle! I pray the beginning goes exactly the same, only changing the outcome! Sorrow now but joy ahead...I am standing firm and believing that wholeheartedly!

And ye therefore now have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no one taketh away from you. John 16:22

Keeping The Faith, Not Giving Up Hope & Staying Thankful

Today was my second beta blood test and the results were not as I had hoped. My number dropped from a 16 to an 11. This means my pregnancy was a "chemical pregnancy" and I will soon miscarry our two embabies. I had felt something was not right with pregnancy mainly because I have been pregnant before and if I was indeed 20 days along- I would certainly know it. I had taken a pregnancy test the night before and it was negative again. After doing my research I learned that if your HCG is above 20 it will show on HPT so I felt like I was prepared for the number not to have risen. I was very calm this morning and even though I cried the entire way I had a peace about it.

Yes, I feel like breaking down, staying in bed for days and crying a river. Well maybe I have cried a river and I did stay in bed for most of the day today- until my sister rode in on her white horse and gave me some comfort- sometimes just sitting with someone in their grief is all you can do and I am thankful she left work early and barged into my house and did just that. I know I insist that I like being alone when I am sad, mad or down but really we all need somebody. Being alone is not always the answer and it helped to cry to her and talk about it and get my feelings off my chest. I am truly heartbroken, sad, disappointed and struggling with my self confidence right now but I am not giving up hope. I am not letting go of the dream to have a child with the man I love more than words. I know God brought him into my life for a reason and everyday with him I consider a gift from God. I believe God has a plan for us and I know having children is part of this plan just not at this time...in God's time I know it will happen.

I am trying to stay focused on the positive things from this experience. Here are just a few things that are keeping me going right now:

* I know now what to expect from IVF and I know what questions to ask and things to say and do and when to say and do them. The anxiety and uncertainty of the process has faded away and I am totally prepared to do it again!
* We know we are still good candidates for Micro IVF because our testing was all perfect and having a positive pregnancy at all is a good sign for future IVFs.
* We are NOT giving up hope- we are planning to do another IVF as soon as we have saved enough money to do it- we will be going in for round 2- in Dallas at the Sher Institute- we will hopefully do it this summer and the kiddos can come along and we can make a vaca of it!
* I walk with the Lord and I am confident in His plan for my life and my family. I know he will not forsake us and even though this didn't work as we had planned- He has bigger plans for us and when it's His time we will have what we so desperately want the most.
* Times like this make me thankful for the hard, sad, hurtful, sorrowful times from my past- because of that- my armor is strong and I even though I am sad, disappointment and my heart hurts I am not broken. I will move on a wiser person with a new story of courage to tell and hopefully help others.
* I am so thankful for the people I have met- through my blog, online discussion boards or the Sher Institute that are fellow IVFers- women made of steel! What a blessing those friendships have been and hopefully will continue to be for many years! Also the women who I am friends with or even related to that I had not known struggled with infertility until I shared my journey and they reached out to me and shared theirs. What an amazing blessing those women have been. They have touched me in so many ways. I am thankful for them- there are just not words here.
* I have an awesome hubby and for reasons I will never fully understand he knowingly married an infertile woman and he loves me even through this struggle. He is amazing. We have certainly grown closer in a different way and I admire his willingness to give me my 12048508347 shots and never complain and always be a comfort.
* I have two beautiful healthy children who keep me going and who love me even at my darkest saddest hours. They are a joy and a blessing to me each and everyday of my life. I am proud to be their momma!

I am not questioning and asking why. I am not mad and I am not bitter. I am not even going to think one second about the cost and months of saving we incurred. I am going to be still and have faith in God's plan. I am going to praise Him for allowing us to go through this even if the ending was sad. I am thankful for the struggle, the sorrow, the pain, the tears, the sacrifice...all of that has to make me a better person, friend, wife and mom. As a Christian it would be a shame for it NOT to.

At the end of the day this scripture keeps me going as it has many many times before:
""We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Bless you all and bless all you IVF women out there...you are my heroes!

Obedience and Trust

I love Sundays! They are my favorite days of the week! Not only because this is the one day a week when we have nothing going on and can just spend time as a family but also because I get my spiritual tank filled! The sermon today was on key for me! It was about Obedience and Trust. These are defiantly two things I know I struggle with. I like to take things back that I give to God and I constantly struggle in trusting Him and being Obedient inHis will and my walk as a Christian. It's just the way of the world I suppose. But I am thankful that I have my church there to remind me what this world is all about and set me straight.

Throughout our IVF journey I find myself struggling with trust and obedience. One day I am confident and secure in trusting in God's will either way this thing goes and the next day I am worried and a mess about "WHAT IFS??"...."What if no eggs fertilize?", "What if I get sick and we can't do the transfer or retrieval", "What if the eggs don't grow", "What if they implant but the eggs don't stick?", "What if they stick but I have a miscarriage"....and my FAVORITE "What if my plane or hubby's plane crashes to or from Vegas?".

I mean really, how many WHAT IFS can one person come up with? And believe me- that was the SHORT LIST!

Thankfully, I am always reminded to trust and be obedient and stop the MADNESS! God is in control here, not me, not my hubby and not the doctors (not 100% anyway). This is God's deal and I am just thankful that the hubby and I are finally in the financial position to do this thing and embark on this journey that we have been anticipating and hoping for, for nearly 3 years.

I end my day humbled once again, full of hope, peace, promise, prayers and focused on trusting and being obedient and knowing if it is God's will for the hubby and I to have a baby then it will be...

To all my prayer warrior peeps out there- I know there are many- please start today- saying a little prayer for us throughout this process. God is in control and I will do my best absolute to stop the What Ifs and walk in His will and His promise EVERYDAY!

Love love to you all!