Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Keeping The Faith, Not Giving Up Hope & Staying Thankful

Today was my second beta blood test and the results were not as I had hoped. My number dropped from a 16 to an 11. This means my pregnancy was a "chemical pregnancy" and I will soon miscarry our two embabies. I had felt something was not right with pregnancy mainly because I have been pregnant before and if I was indeed 20 days along- I would certainly know it. I had taken a pregnancy test the night before and it was negative again. After doing my research I learned that if your HCG is above 20 it will show on HPT so I felt like I was prepared for the number not to have risen. I was very calm this morning and even though I cried the entire way I had a peace about it.

Yes, I feel like breaking down, staying in bed for days and crying a river. Well maybe I have cried a river and I did stay in bed for most of the day today- until my sister rode in on her white horse and gave me some comfort- sometimes just sitting with someone in their grief is all you can do and I am thankful she left work early and barged into my house and did just that. I know I insist that I like being alone when I am sad, mad or down but really we all need somebody. Being alone is not always the answer and it helped to cry to her and talk about it and get my feelings off my chest. I am truly heartbroken, sad, disappointed and struggling with my self confidence right now but I am not giving up hope. I am not letting go of the dream to have a child with the man I love more than words. I know God brought him into my life for a reason and everyday with him I consider a gift from God. I believe God has a plan for us and I know having children is part of this plan just not at this God's time I know it will happen.

I am trying to stay focused on the positive things from this experience. Here are just a few things that are keeping me going right now:

* I know now what to expect from IVF and I know what questions to ask and things to say and do and when to say and do them. The anxiety and uncertainty of the process has faded away and I am totally prepared to do it again!
* We know we are still good candidates for Micro IVF because our testing was all perfect and having a positive pregnancy at all is a good sign for future IVFs.
* We are NOT giving up hope- we are planning to do another IVF as soon as we have saved enough money to do it- we will be going in for round 2- in Dallas at the Sher Institute- we will hopefully do it this summer and the kiddos can come along and we can make a vaca of it!
* I walk with the Lord and I am confident in His plan for my life and my family. I know he will not forsake us and even though this didn't work as we had planned- He has bigger plans for us and when it's His time we will have what we so desperately want the most.
* Times like this make me thankful for the hard, sad, hurtful, sorrowful times from my past- because of that- my armor is strong and I even though I am sad, disappointment and my heart hurts I am not broken. I will move on a wiser person with a new story of courage to tell and hopefully help others.
* I am so thankful for the people I have met- through my blog, online discussion boards or the Sher Institute that are fellow IVFers- women made of steel! What a blessing those friendships have been and hopefully will continue to be for many years! Also the women who I am friends with or even related to that I had not known struggled with infertility until I shared my journey and they reached out to me and shared theirs. What an amazing blessing those women have been. They have touched me in so many ways. I am thankful for them- there are just not words here.
* I have an awesome hubby and for reasons I will never fully understand he knowingly married an infertile woman and he loves me even through this struggle. He is amazing. We have certainly grown closer in a different way and I admire his willingness to give me my 12048508347 shots and never complain and always be a comfort.
* I have two beautiful healthy children who keep me going and who love me even at my darkest saddest hours. They are a joy and a blessing to me each and everyday of my life. I am proud to be their momma!

I am not questioning and asking why. I am not mad and I am not bitter. I am not even going to think one second about the cost and months of saving we incurred. I am going to be still and have faith in God's plan. I am going to praise Him for allowing us to go through this even if the ending was sad. I am thankful for the struggle, the sorrow, the pain, the tears, the sacrifice...all of that has to make me a better person, friend, wife and mom. As a Christian it would be a shame for it NOT to.

At the end of the day this scripture keeps me going as it has many many times before:
""We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Bless you all and bless all you IVF women out are my heroes!


  1. I followed the link from the SHER facebook, and I just want to say that Dr. Saleh, in Dallas, is probably the most kind and compassionate doctor I've ever seen. He really cares about you as a person, not just a patient number on a file, or a checkbook.

    We struggled for years trying to get pregnant and Dr Saleh made it possible, when others said it was not possible. We are expecting in January. Thank you for sharing your journey with the world. It's a hard road, and with faith, all things are possible.

  2. I just started reading your blog. But I wanted to give you a little more hope!! It can happen. I ran across you on the SIRM boards and on FB SHER post. I've only read bits and piece's of your blog so far (intend to go back and read it all). Our stories so sound so similar. I was in a previous marriage, sounds a lot like yours, had a son (I didn't have a TL though). Finally got the courage to walk away from that, met the man of my dreams. We got married decided to have a child, it happened fairly quickly about 6 months of trying. When she was a year old we decided to try for #3 low and behold something happened and after 2 1/2 years of trying found out my tubes were completly damaged. We turned to IVF. We didn't go the mini route though. We were in the July 09 cycle in STL SIRM. Now we have a beautiful 8 month old little girl. I just wanted to give you a little glimmer of more hope. I am sure you are suffering right now, but like you said God has a plan and he will get you through this and you will come out on the other side.

  3. Thank you for your hope today as I have run out today. Ivf #4 is bfn and I am so sad. I don't / won't accept not having a child. Why is this so hard. I will enjoy going on this journey with you.


  4. I am so sorry for you who are suffering through the infertility process. Have been there myself - through 4 IVF cycles with my eggs and 2 with a younger egg donor. 2 miscarriages to show for my three years of hormone shots and sadness.

    We went on to adopt our wonderful daughter at birth 7/27/2004 and since Ariel was one, I have worked to help couples also adopt in the U.S.

    I want to give you hope - if you want to be Mom's you will be. Maybe not in the way you planned but it can happen. I am living proof of this, my beautiful daughter is now 6 and is my heart.

    Hold onto your faith - it will see you through.


  5. I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out, I myself just got my negative results after IVF/ICSI. Keep praying and pushing forward. If you ever need to talk I am here to listen as well. My blog is and I saw you through Dr. Sher's post.

  6. Thank you for sharing your blogs...I am reading through them as we speak. You are all amazing women and truly my heroes. Keep the faith!