My Christmas Gift...4 Years Ago

Every year on Christmas Day my heart is filled with thankfulness as I  remember Christmas night 4 years ago. December 25, 2006- I fell in love with my hubby! We joke around and say God gave us EACH OTHER for Christmas in 2006. Christmas is extra special around our house because it is true 4 years ago we became more than friends on Christmas Day. (See pic of us in Jan. 2007- taken at his then bachelor pad which was deemed the Love Shack).

It is one of those stories that I can't wait to tell our future children! We were both single, totally NOT looking for a relationship and we had been friends for about 6 months. My single friend and his single were sort of dating and on Christmas evening his friend and mine friend were having dinner at her house. She didn't want to be there alone with him and her kids, and he didn't want to be there alone with her and her kids so he brought Dustin along and she invited me and my kids to come over. Neither of us knew the other would be there. We spent the evening laughing, talking, eating pizza in her kitchen while her kids and my kids played in the living room with all new Christmas gifts. We all agreed it was nice to unwind from the hustle and bustle from a family filled Christmas day.

That evening something changed in the way I looked at him and felt about him. It was certainly one of those AHA moments when you realized what you wanted was right in front of you for some time now. I can't really explain it but things just clicked with us and from that day forward we were pretty much inseparable. He made me laugh and I was totally not skeptical of him- like I was with other guys. He was a small town boy but very quick witted and smart and thought intrigued me beyond all means.

I am so very thankful for our two friends for inviting us with them that night. I am sure we would have eventually ended up together but that night was just perfect. I actually had my kids in tow with me so he saw some of the 4 and 6 year old craziness which obviously did not scary him away- which said A LOT. Even though we had been friends for 6 months I was very picky about who came around my kids and honestly he was the first guy who had been around them since my divorce. I felt safe with him. I knew he was a good guy with a solid background and good family.

God gave me peace about him. He saw me in mom mode and saw my kids in kid mode and he still wanted to date me. What a guy! He was only 23 at the time, with no kids, never married, and I honestly did not think he and I would make it past a few months because my life was so complicated and busy and his was so NOT complicated and so quiet. But he embraced the kids and I and all are dysfunction and craziness and he has loved us unconditionally from day one. I love him so much for being strong through everything. He is so amazing and to this day...he is the best Christmas gift I have ever been given...I thank God everyday for him and his love!

So as you celebrate your Christmas today and tonight...just remember that the most precious, viable, long lasting gifts DO NOT come from the store, they can't be bought...they come from the heart, from actions, from memories and mostly from God.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and don't forget the true meaning of the season....Jesus!

For My Better Half From Your Infertile Wife

Due to recent events I decided I need to dedicate an entire blog just to my Hubby! Infertility is such a female dominated topic that I think the men sometimes get swept under the rug as innocent bystanders just waiting for their command to go into the room and fill up the cup! But they are in this process and invested in this journey just as much as all the fellow women out there. We are just more vocal about our journey (surprise surprise).

If it weren't for my Hubby I truly believe I would've lost my mind long ago. I have to give him props for marrying me knowing I was infertile and it would take LOTS of money, time and IVF to have a baby with me. Not many men would sign up for that and I am thankful everyday that he is spiritually strong enough to handle it all and be a good Hubby. He really is a saint in my book. I think couples who struggle with infertility and especially those who took the trek down the IVF road have a unique connection to one another not just as husband and wife but as rock solid partners in the treacherous waters of the unknown.

He has been so supportive and so unwavering throughout our marriage and especially through our IVF journey. He NEVER ONCE complained about giving me shots before he went to work in the morning or before we went to bed at night. He was so strong during our two week wait and he has never said a negative word about our IVF ending in a chemical pregnancy. The endless hours of my crying, talking and worrying would be enough to make any sane person crazy but he has been amazing. His love, hugs, kisses, hard work, support, kind words, reassurance, faith and partnership have blessed me beyond measure.

Even though I know we are both hurt, sad and disappointed we haven't lost touch of our love for each, if anything, we are stronger now than we ever were. The other day I said to him "what if IVF never works for us?"...his reply- "Then it's not part of God's plan for us to have children"...my reply- "Do you sometimes wish you would've married someone who could give you children the conventional way?"...his reply- "I love you babe- and that love is unconditional- kids or no kids". Yes, I know, he is pretty much the best. I knew that is how he felt but these days...I need to hear the words so I can sleep at night. Within the realm of infertility is a danger zone of insecurity and self loathing and sometimes I just need the assurance that no matter what I will have my Hubby and he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. Maybe he should "post it note" it to my night stand just so I can read it when those negative thoughts creep into my mind?

Being loved unconditionally is a new gig for me. Before Hubby came along I had never experienced unconditional love. I am thankful every second I am blessed with his love. I know Love is God's gift to us and I thank Him everyday for giving me my Hubby's unconditional love- what an awesome gift! He really is my best friend and I pray and live for the day when God blessed with us with our own bundle of joy but for now I am enjoying the blessing of amazing Hubby and his unconditional love.

Babe, if you are reading this...I love you so MUSH! :)

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The LUCKY ONES

So in the midst of all the crazy preparation for IVF my hubby has been sent out of town to work...I am really missing him! I know its sounds somewhat pathetic and whiny but really I do not like being away from him at all! It is bad enough when he works 10-12 hours a day while I am mostly at home. I count down the hours until he gets home so I can talk to him and see his precious face. Him being gone from home has made me realize things I know I already knew but seem more of a big deal to me now.

1- I love being married to him...I just do in every possible way! I love it love it love it!

2- He is the best husband ever- he gives and he loves unconditionally and with all he has!

3- God has blessed us- over and over again with a love so strong- really there just is not words describe it!

4- My passion for him is out of this world! Every time we kiss seriously it's like the first time we kissed- we truly desire each other and I think that makes for a happy healthy marriage!

So wrapping this up I have to admit that it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder in many ways...just when I thought I could not possibly love this man anymore than I already did- boom! My cup runeth over and over! He did put the sweetest thing on his Facebook page last night- "Missin home and the wife! Love u babe! Now off to bed!" AWE! How sweet was that? The man who NEVER gets on Facebook put something lovey dovey on there just for me. He's truly a blessing in my life and I am thankful every second of every day that God allowed me to meet him, fall in love with him and marry him! I am a lucky woman and we are the LUCKY ONES!

Obedience and Trust

I love Sundays! They are my favorite days of the week! Not only because this is the one day a week when we have nothing going on and can just spend time as a family but also because I get my spiritual tank filled! The sermon today was on key for me! It was about Obedience and Trust. These are defiantly two things I know I struggle with. I like to take things back that I give to God and I constantly struggle in trusting Him and being Obedient inHis will and my walk as a Christian. It's just the way of the world I suppose. But I am thankful that I have my church there to remind me what this world is all about and set me straight.

Throughout our IVF journey I find myself struggling with trust and obedience. One day I am confident and secure in trusting in God's will either way this thing goes and the next day I am worried and a mess about "WHAT IFS??"...."What if no eggs fertilize?", "What if I get sick and we can't do the transfer or retrieval", "What if the eggs don't grow", "What if they implant but the eggs don't stick?", "What if they stick but I have a miscarriage"....and my FAVORITE "What if my plane or hubby's plane crashes to or from Vegas?".

I mean really, how many WHAT IFS can one person come up with? And believe me- that was the SHORT LIST!

Thankfully, I am always reminded to trust and be obedient and stop the MADNESS! God is in control here, not me, not my hubby and not the doctors (not 100% anyway). This is God's deal and I am just thankful that the hubby and I are finally in the financial position to do this thing and embark on this journey that we have been anticipating and hoping for, for nearly 3 years.

I end my day humbled once again, full of hope, peace, promise, prayers and focused on trusting and being obedient and knowing if it is God's will for the hubby and I to have a baby then it will be...

To all my prayer warrior peeps out there- I know there are many- please start today- saying a little prayer for us throughout this process. God is in control and I will do my best absolute to stop the What Ifs and walk in His will and His promise EVERYDAY!

Love love to you all!

8 years ago

So I started my "Infertility" focused blog yesterday. But really this journey started 8 years ago for me. In June 2002 I had my daughter, precious baby girl, Madison Rae. At that point and time in my life, I was 22 years old, trying to finish college and in an unhappy abusive marriage. I knew without a doubt I did not want anymore kids with my husband at the time and I thought if we ever divorced (which was inevitable in my mind) no good man would ever want to marry a woman with two kids. So I had a tubal ligation and by choice made myself infertile (sad face here but I have forgiven my younger self for my indiscretions). This was the best option for me at the time.

A few years later I was single and absolutely not looking for a husband of any sort. They always say when you are not looking- you will find THE ONE- well that saying is true! I met Dustin Bryant in July 2006 but we were just friends until December 25, 2006, when we started liking each other in a more than friends way- weird how that just happens. June 13, 2007 we got engaged and November 17, 2007 we were married! What a whirlwind romance!

We love him and he loves us- all 3 of us- he is truly my knight in shining armor!

Now to the complicated reality of an infertile marriage...

I was clear in the beginning that I had a tubal ligation and we knew if chose to have children it would be a complicated, expensive process. Of course we knew we would have children because 1) I love him and would love to have kids with a good man whom I love and he loves me I have never had that before and 2) he does not have any children! And we want a Bryant Baby!

So for the last 3 years and 9 months we have been researching our options- IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), IUI (Artificial Insemination) and Tubal Reversal (a surgery put my tubes back together). I weighed the pros and cons, researched success rates, read blogs, participated in discussion boards and did LOTS of praying. It came down to this MICRO IVF would be the best option for us. (Don't worry I will expand on Micro in a later blog).

So we knew WHAT we were going to do to get pregnant but WHO would be the perfect man or woman IVF doc for the job?

Hhhhmmm....an entire world of options awaited us....

DECEMBER 24, 2007 "A FAIRY TALE WEDDING AND A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS"

our first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Bryant
I got on the table and danced- we had the BEST DJ!

I love my DRESS!!!


The kids were very much a part of the ceremony! They had so much at the reception and we are all so excited to start our new life as a family!

My favorite picture of us....I love that man so much!

Monday, December 24, 2007
A FAIRY TALE WEDDING AND A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

Current mood: blessed

Category: Life & LOVE
It's been a long time coming when I can finally say that this year- is going to be a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Seriously!!! Only a little over a month ago we had the dream wedding- it was beautiful and perfect and even better than what we expected- so just when life seems like it can't get any better- here comes the Christmas season- and life is even sweeter!!! For those of you who have children- you know what I mean- seeing the look on their faces when the tree is all decorated and when the presents under the tree begin to grow- its a priceless experience! Even though we went 9 days without power- with 2 kids and 2 dogs- the Christmas spirit stayed alive and the entire experience made us even more thankful for all that we have- especially one another! And now we are only one day away from spending our first Christmas together as a family and I am so ecstatic! It seems that life is so serene right now- that I could live in this moment forever and ever! Not many of you know that last year ON CHRISTMAS DAY- Dustin Bryant and I began liking each other- we had been friends for about 6 months before- but that night- things just clicked and we began to see each other as more than friends- and it happened in Tanya's kitchen- when my kids and tanyas kids were there- and we were all just hanging out as friends! So we always joke and say that last year we got each other for Christmas!!! Our Christmas love story gives even more meaning to Christmas for us- we are celebrating one year of being together and we will always remember Christmas as something personally special!!! So this year we have each other and my kids- and it is going to be a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! I hope everyone has a very merry christmas too!!!

SEPTEMBER 24, 2007 "FEELING INSPIRED, EXCITED, ECSTATIC AND ABSOLUTELY HAPPY AND IN LOVE!!!"

OUR ENGAGEMENT PICS! LA LA LA LOVE THEM!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2007
Feeling Inspired, excited, exhausted, ecstatic and absolutely happy and in love!!! Current mood: loved Category: Life
I have little time to blog lately with wedding plans, kids, school, work, homework, and my fiancee being out of town working for the last 6 weeks has made things more hectic than usual- taking care of two houses now!!! I felt compelled to drop some lines of inspiration for my devoted blog readers!!! So here it is:
I was watching Oprah the other day ( Imagine that) and Justin Timberlake (who I secretly worship) was on her show. He sang a duet with Reba McEntire titled "The Only Promise That Remains" and WOW!!! I was totally inspired by this song! It's crazy how songs can define who we are, where we at in our lives and makes us think, ponder, live, feel and the words we just cannot get out of our minds- we sing them out loud in the car, in the shower, to our kids and even in our heads at work, school, home- music is such an inspiration! Well here are the lyrics to this song (keep reading- there is a closing to this blog):
When the ground beneath you starts a-shakin'And you forget the place we came fromWhen you're lost and lookin' for you're way homeYou're way home to meI'll come out and find youWhen the world around you starts a-movin'And you should wonder if I still love youIf you feel the darkness comin', risin' insideI'll make a light to guide you back homeAnd after all the sky is fallin' downAnd after all the water's washed awayMy love's the only promise that remainsWhen your doubts have got you thinkin'Nothing's ever really sacredAnd you're afraid you might believe in...Believe in me....And I'll give you a reasonCuz the world around us keeps on movin'And there's no doubt that I still love youSo when you feel the darkness comin', risin' insideI'll make a light to guide you back homeAnd after all the sky is fallin' downAnd after all the water's washed awayMy love's the only promise that remainsMy love's the only promise that remainsMy love's the only promise that remainsAnd after all the sky is fallin' down(After all the sky is fallin' down)And after all the water's washed away(After all the water's washed away)My love's the only promise that remains
First of all when I read the lyrics to this song- I think about God's love and how His love is the entire reason we are all here on this earth and how He is truly the one who makes all the wonderful things happen in our lives! Then I think of the people God put in my life that define the words of this song to me: my children and Dustin Bryant! And then I am overwhelmed- my heart is filled with the love I share with these 3 people- and my cup "runneth over" once again! When I realize- if the sky really did fall down- I would have Dustin Bryant by my side to protect me and my children- us as a family sticking together and protecting one another. This song also touches on being scared to love or doubting love. This is something that any and all people who have ever been hurt or betrayed in their life (most everyone) struggle with from time to time. What a blessing it is to find someone strong enough to lead me back to him when "doubts got me thinking nothing's ever really sacred"........a man that knows who he is and knows who he is with me- and would die for me- give up his life- for me!!! WOW!!! This song also touches on time- and how life goes on and on- time passes- and yet- that person's love is there- IT REMAINS- still untouchable, unscathed- his love is there- when things changes- life carries on- but you still have the same person you love who loves you with their undying unwavoring love!!! It's just awesome to have that!!! Life is so hectic and crazy sometimes and having that person to fall in to- and hold you and listen to you and wipe your tears, give you advice and be there- strong and steadfast! His love makes such a difference in my life- I know he is always there and his love remains day in and day out!!! I have never had that and I never dreamed it was possible to experience this feeling with another human being- I always settled for less than love because I did not believe in true love or soulmates! I had never seen it in my home and I let the world convince me that life could not be a fairy tale and a man and a woman could not be happy and in love together- forever.....BUT I now know that TRUTH- love does exist- and it can be there when the sky falls down, when the earth shakes, when you have doubt, when you lost your way- and having that- is worth every mistake I made to get here!!! Sometimes when I think I am actually going to marry this man- DUSTIN BRYANT- I am just so overwhelmed I cannot do anything but CRY CRY CRY!!! When we got engaged I cried for two straight days- when we told my kids- I cried, his parents, I cried, and pretty much everyone- those were tears of wow, relief, excitement, thankfulness and love- finally it is me that gets her fairy tale- finally it is me that has the man that would save me if the sky was falling down, lead me back home if I was lost, be my light in the dark, catch me when I fall, and never let me forget that the promise of his love will always remain true and strong!
I love finally being able to relate wholly and truly to an awesome love song!! It is definately my "defining" "wow" moment (as Oprah would say)!!!!

JULY 13, 2007 "NOVEMBER 17 IS THE DATE"

WE ARE SILLY TOGETHER.....LAUGH TOGETHER....DANCE TOGETHER.....BEST FRIENDS...

Friday, July 13, 2007
November 17 is THE DATE!!!! Current mood: excited Category: Romance and Relationships
Things have been so crazy this last month I haven't even had time to post the best blog I have written in my entire life! so it is official as June 13, 2007 that Dustin Bryant and I are getting married! We set the date for November 17, 2007- hence the reason why I am sooo busy and things have been crazy! this wedding planning business is a mess! We have finally ironed the details for the reception- we are having it at Bridle Creek between Skiatook and Sperry- it is beautiful there! We set up a wedding site- http://ashleycrawfordanddustinbryant2007.ourweddingday.com and we are currently working on our growing guest list! I have to say that never in my life I have ever felt so happy and complete! The kids are ecstatic and cannot wait to live with Dustin in his new house! He closed and got all moved in 3 weeks ago and we have been decorating and working on things at his new house too! He lives down the road from his parents- who I love and adore more than words can say! They are so good to my kids and I- I couldn't ask for better in laws! They are truly the best- now I see why Dustin is such a good guy- he has awesome parents! It will be nice to one day have another baby and he or she will have grandparents right down the road- and awesome grandparents at that! I cannot wait to marry him, have kids and grow old with the person who loves me, understands me, listens to me, puts up with me and makes me laugh- UNCONDITIONALLY- no matter what and he is my best friend through and through! Life finally makes sense and I am just peachy, happy and truly blessed to have him and be getting married to him! THe kids and I couldn't have asked for a better man to be in our lives! So for now- I am planning and counting down the days til I become Mrs. Bryant! We picked our wedding song too- "The Day Before You" by Rascal Flatts- it is so us! So check it out! The words to this song say it all!!!!