I update my Facebook statuses on a daily basis, sometimes more than once, and today I found myself for the first in a long- speechless. I really didn't have anything significant going on or anything significant to say. So I dug deep and explored how I FELT today...that's a scary place to go these days because my feelings range from sorrow to excitement in a split second.
Here is what I came up with:
"The most beautiful & at times tragic thing about life is that IT GOES ON...in times of happiness, sadness, sorrow, uncertainty, heartbreak or triumph...tomorrow always comes and people always need you to keep going so that's what you do- you keep going and eventually time heals the wounds, celebrates the wins or reveal...s the purpose in your suffering. Today I am thankful for the time God allows me to have each day..."
That is just how I feel...today anyway. I am glad life goes on. I most certainly could not stand being stuck in my sorrow and sadness. Mostly I am thankful for my two children. They keep life going on! When I feel like staying home and laying around in my comfy clothes watching Lifetime movies and fighting back tears, they intervene on my pity party and always have somewhere they need to go and something they to do- whether it's a school function, a basketball game, a church function or the library- I am thankful for my busy life filled with the kids' activities. For anyone who has a job or kids you know what I am talking about. When you just feel like staying in bed, never getting dressed, much less putting on makeup or fixing your hair- you just want to "check out" for a while- life has not been "easy" lately- you have lost a loved one, you have bills you can't pay, you got your heart broke, your job is not fulfilling anymore, you or someone you love is ill, life just IS NOT going the way YOU WANT it to- BUT low and behold you have someone or something that DEPENDS ON YOU to KEEP GOING! So you put on a good face and you keep trucking down the road- broken or not- life keeps going and you must keep going with it!
It seems really hard right now. I know I am struggling. But when I look back on times when I have been in this "sad, lonely, grief stricken" spot before- like when I was a child and a teenager struggling to survive my parents in broken homes, being alone and pregnant with Dax, when Dax was born two months early and nearly died, when I was in an abusive marriage, when I got divorced, when I was a single mom, when my son came home with bruises from his dads, when we struggled financially to pay for attorneys- life got me through those times. God blessed me me with another day and another day and another day and eventually one day it wasn't so hard. I woke up and didn't feel like crying, I felt whole again and time had carried me through the hardship to a place of peace and revealed to me the purpose in my suffering.
For example, Mady come home from school Tuesday and declared that she wanted to go the first home high school basketball game because her class mentor was playing and her mentor "takes time out of her day to spend with a bunch of 3rd graders and we need to take our time and go show our support at her game". Um Okay- how do you say no to that? So I fixed my hair, put on my makeup, got out of my comfy clothes and off to the game we went. I was so glad we went. The 3rd grade girls basketball team was scrimmaging at half time so I got to visit with a few of my favorite mom friends. Just getting out of the house and being around people was therapeutic. Thankfully, no one hugged me or asked how I was doing. They had texted me and talked to me on Facebook so I knew they were praying for me and wishing me well but I was glad we didn't talk about "it". I want life to carry on just like it was before and for the first time in a long time- that night- I felt normal again. It was a blessing! Thank you Mady and her teacher who encouraged the kids to come to the game!
Yesterday I had a meeting with a potential new client. So once again, I was forced to make myself presentable and put on my BEST face for 2 hours. I felt alive and full of energy. The meeting went awesome and I am pretty certain I landed a new prosperous account. Just when we need it most- God always provides for us and I can only thank Him for the new business opportunity. I am submitting my business proposal tomorrow and praying all goes well. Life is still going and going....
Today after school Mady wanted to go the library so off we went straight from school to the library. I was so excited to find a few good books for myself, one being Joyce Meyer's "In Pursuit of Peace: 21 Ways to Conquer Anxiety, Fear and Discontentment". That book is just what I need right now. I can't wait to dive in and be blessed by that amazing Christian woman! She always makes me feel like it is OKAY to feel defeated, make mistakes and struggle with peace, grace and understanding as long as we always come back to the Cross for redemption, forgiveness and the ultimate peace. I know I have my moments when I am not at my best and let myself get down...don't we all? I struggle the most with my thoughts- letting them run wild before I put myself in check and say "NO I am NOT going to let FEAR get the best of me, NO I am not going to let GUILT rule my life, NO I am NOT going to let SELF-LOATHING ruin my day!" I am a child of God and HE loves me more than all that...He has blessed me beyond measure and I should be standing in His promise and being thankful for all the blessings!
So today I am thankful for the marching on of time...it keeps me going...it keeps me on my toes and keeps me out of my pity party! Thank you Lord for each day and time...I am blessed to have it and spend it with people I love so much!