It's SHER to be a Baby!

When looking for an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) or for betters terms baby making doctor or IVF doc, your choices can be very overwhelming. Let's face it the infertility business obviously is booming because these RE's are everywhere!

One very cool thing that made our search easy is that the Center for Disease Control monitors all IVF clinics and their SUCCESS RATES! Not only do you get an in depth look at how successful their IVFs are but you also get to see how many IVFs they do each year. In my opinion, the more experience- the better.

Being the blogging, discussion board, online junkie that I am and always will be my curious brain and fingers descended upon the internet. I read, discussed, searched and studied all the ins and outs of IVF doctors all across the country. I would print out materials pertaining to each doctor and clinic and the hubby and I would discuss what we liked or did not like.

At the end of the 3 year research span it all came down to one man and one man only- DR. GEOFFREY SHER founder of the Sher Institutes across America. We had pondered staying a little closer to home by using the Dallas Sher Institute but Dr. Sher was in Las Vegas so that was where we needed to be. In addition to his 16,000 successful IVF procedures he also has perfected the art of Micro IVF which is a perfect for couples like the hubby and I!

Dr. Sher will be the man to make our Bryant Baby. I could not be more confident in a successful outcome being in the hands of a world renowned IVF expert!

He writes an awesome blog I encourage all infertile couples to visit www.ivfauthority.com you will find all the answers to your questions, doubts and concerns. He covers all the bases for infertile couples and keeps it real when he talks making babies! This man is a genius and I cannot wait to meet him face to face on November 8th!

8 years ago

So I started my "Infertility" focused blog yesterday. But really this journey started 8 years ago for me. In June 2002 I had my daughter, precious baby girl, Madison Rae. At that point and time in my life, I was 22 years old, trying to finish college and in an unhappy abusive marriage. I knew without a doubt I did not want anymore kids with my husband at the time and I thought if we ever divorced (which was inevitable in my mind) no good man would ever want to marry a woman with two kids. So I had a tubal ligation and by choice made myself infertile (sad face here but I have forgiven my younger self for my indiscretions). This was the best option for me at the time.

A few years later I was single and absolutely not looking for a husband of any sort. They always say when you are not looking- you will find THE ONE- well that saying is true! I met Dustin Bryant in July 2006 but we were just friends until December 25, 2006, when we started liking each other in a more than friends way- weird how that just happens. June 13, 2007 we got engaged and November 17, 2007 we were married! What a whirlwind romance!

We love him and he loves us- all 3 of us- he is truly my knight in shining armor!

Now to the complicated reality of an infertile marriage...

I was clear in the beginning that I had a tubal ligation and we knew if chose to have children it would be a complicated, expensive process. Of course we knew we would have children because 1) I love him and would love to have kids with a good man whom I love and he loves me I have never had that before and 2) he does not have any children! And we want a Bryant Baby!

So for the last 3 years and 9 months we have been researching our options- IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), IUI (Artificial Insemination) and Tubal Reversal (a surgery put my tubes back together). I weighed the pros and cons, researched success rates, read blogs, participated in discussion boards and did LOTS of praying. It came down to this MICRO IVF would be the best option for us. (Don't worry I will expand on Micro in a later blog).

So we knew WHAT we were going to do to get pregnant but WHO would be the perfect man or woman IVF doc for the job?

Hhhhmmm....an entire world of options awaited us....

Life's New Twists & Turns

I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it's been since I've updated my BLOG! Here is my excuse: I have been too busy writing blogs for everyone at work that I have neglected my OWN! It's an inherent trait I am convinced only females and mothers have (putting everyone else's needs before their own)...but anyway- I have failed at blogging my life away and I am committing to STOP putting work & others first and START putting ME first from TODAY on!

Hmmm....We will see how this pans out.

One MAJOR thing has transpired since the last time I wrote:

1- My hubby and I have decided IT'S TIME to take the LEAP- JUST DO IT- GO FOR IT- and MAKE A BABY! This may sound like an easy task coming from a young couple and a woman who already has two kids- but folks, let me tell you- IT IS NOT! Stay tuned for more in depth details on this complicated matter.

My blog is going to take on a new light dealing with one subject I never thought I would ever have to deal with in my entire life- INFERTILITY and IN VITRO FERTILIZATION. These are complicated complex matters and I feel called to write about our journey. I'm cooking up my first post on these two issues and you will be seeing it soon enough. So stay tuned and also say a little prayer for us as we embark on this journey of a lifetime and as I launch my new business!

Lots of new exciting things happening around here and of course it's Fall in Oklahoma- who doesn't love that? Football season is in full swing and I will be writing and posting pics of Cheer and Football! Go Bulldogs!

To My Best Friend

I gotta say this was hard to choose between my husband and my sister! I know I am a total nerd because I don't have a best girlfriend but to be honest with you...though I have girlfriends who have been my friends since I was 6 and many other great friends who I love...my life has been such a roller coaster that I always felt like a burden on friends to be too close to them because I come with a lot of baggage and a lot of opinions! It's best to stick with family as a best friend because they are way more understanding and forgiving than a BFF would be and let's face it- that's what it takes to be BFF with me!

Dear my big sister Shelby,

I know this is lame- my big sister- is my best friend? But as we always discuss...who needs a BF when you have a SISTER? Oh my where to start...first of all thank you...for practically raising me from age 10 and doing it with love and sometimes tough love (much needed). I have learned so much from you about perseverance, kindness, grace and being a mom. It amazes me how alike and how different we are. Growing up in the same dysfunctional home we both took our own paths of self discovery to somehow take a negative start and turn it into a positive ending. Truly, I am amazed that we have both a) graduated from college, b) don't have any kind of addiction we battle on a daily, c) are awesome moms and d) are still on speaking terms after all the cat fights under our belt!

I know having me as a little sister has been challenging at times and down right heartbreaking! I cannot imagine! Watching me go through my first heartbreak at age 17, become a single mother at age 20, and suffer through an abuse relationship for 6 years- I am not sure how you did it? And kept our friendship in tact. I know it had to be so extremely hard. Though we had our occasional screaming fights...and when we younger- fist fights- I am blessed by our sisterhood and friendship.

I love you for drawing the line and finally saying to me "I do not want to hear you complain about how he treats you, ask me for help or come to me with black eyes until you are ready to leave him- FOR GOOD!". Thank you! I truly believe it was your solid stance against the relationship and love for me and my kids that finally pulled me out of that horrible miserable marriage I had no business being in in the first place! If I did not have you in my life I think I would quite possibly still be trying to change someone who will never change, letting him beat me and belittle me in front of our children, I could even be dead at this point. Not only did you give me your couch to sleep on throughout my high school years but most importantly you gave my kids and I a place to lay our heads for two months while we were essentially homeless and had nothing! When I finally had enough and decided to leave- I have to admit that sleeping on a twin mattress in the floor of your game room was the most peaceful sleep I had gotten in 6 years! At that point I realized how blessed I was to have family that could give my children and I a safe place to go...and my heart broke at the same....as I thought about all women who did not have that safe place to go and take their children (but that's a whole other blog).

You taught me tremendously about ACCOUNTABILITY! Loving someone means putting them in their place when they need it, not making excuses for them, and always always being honest with them! Thank you for never making excuses for me and always expecting the absolute best out of me!

Thank you for being the best Aunt and Kindergarten teacher to my children and teaching them both about making "good choices"! Oh and for introducing Mady to Michael Buble! She will love him forever! My kids adore you and I am so blessed that they can go to your house and feel loved and safe! If anything ever happen to me I would certainly hope you would fight tooth and nail to be a big part in my children's life because they love you dearly!

Another thing you have taught me about is GENEROSITY! Sis I will never ever forget when you paid me $250 a month to clean your house so I could buy a car that I desperately needed and make my car payment while I was finishing up my last year of college and had no support from my husband. Not to mention letting me live with you when I was a teenager- that could not have been easy! And always helping me with my kids- whether it was babysitting or buying them something they needed- when I was a single mom and needed help the most you were always there without me even having to ask! You would always say "God has blessed us and we want to bless you". Every chance I get I try to bless others and remember what you said to me!

Thank you for just GETTING IT! For standing by me and understanding decisions I made to make my life better and more peaceful! If it weren't for our countless Dr. Phil sessions I don't think I could have separated myself from toxic family that had only caused me pain and heartache. You gave me courage and a strong foundation to make huge strides in personal growth in the last two years. I love that I am not alone in this world- there is also another person here that has been through IT ALL with me and can relate to all the ins and outs of the good, bad and ugly of our past and our present. I cannot imagine living this life without you and I hope I never have to- you truly are my rock!

Thank you for letting me be such a big part of your boys' lives! I love them so much! They are growing up to be such upstanding young men and I am very proud of them! From changing their diapers to cheering them on in sports and band- I am blessed to be their aunt Madeashley! Everyone needs a little crazy in their lives and I am glad to provide them with just that (and a little love too)! They know I got their back if they ever need to put the smack down!

From letting me sleep in bed with you when we little, taking showers together because I was scared to do anything by myself to giving me a place to live with my children when I was escaping an abusive marriage...you are my best friend! I love our talks and I love how we always see things the same and if we don't we agree to disagree and move on!

Much love to my best friend and Sister,

Ashley B

We Survived

As I reflect on all of "life's curve balls" that have been thrown our way in the last year & a half I am truly amazed that we survived all of them! Here is a glimpse inside all we have overcame as a family:

Losing Papa B on March 17, 2009 was truly a heart breaker. He was such a pivotal and important person in the Bryant family and loved by so many people. The weeks leading up to his departure from this world was truly some of the hardest my husband and I had yet to experience together. Many tears were shed and some still are when we reflect on the times we had with him. My kids had not experienced the loss of a grandparent yet and it was so hard to go through such a loss with them. Their sadness will forever be etched into my heart and I believe that my husband carries the emptiness and sadness with him everyday. I feel blessed to have known such a wonderful man in my lifetime that loved so deeply and was loved so deeply by everyone in his life. I have never witnessed such love, dedication and sacrifice as I did in those weeks when Papa B was at sick at home. I can only hope my family and children take as good as care of me as the Bryant men and family did for Papa B. They are a true living example of family and love. (pic- Papa B with my husband & his family- Billy, Dana & Heather on her wedding day March 7, 2009).

The very next month my mom was admitted into the hospital. Suffering from a 15 year battle with Chrons disease her stay spanned for an entire month. Surgery was eventually inevitable. She went through surgery well only to contract an infection. During her time in the hospital my patience and sanity was tested beyond belief. Her doctors were careless and negligent and let things go way too long! I had to "show the bad side" a time or two and even initiated the help of the patient advocate at the hospital. I thanked God for my ability to always speak my mind and stand up for my family because it was an everyday fight for my mom to get the care she needed so badly. I was born with the outspoken gene- what can I say! At the end of that month with my mother I felt completely emotionally drained and in much need of a summer break. (in the pic- you can see how my kids spent their time on one of the many visits to see their Gee Gee Debi in the hospital).

When the school year ended I embraced sunshine!

Only one week into our summer break our family took a huge blow. I cannot go into details in this blog because really it's much too painful to elaborate on. I will say that I cried a river for seven months because of the damage that was done. I feared for my children, their safety and happiness on a daily basis. My faith was tested beyond measure. I truly felt defeated until one day I realized that God had control of the entire situation and I needed to let GO! So on a cold December day I chose to change things- to have the best attitude, most positive outlook on things and give complete power and control over to God and trust the He knew best and would take care of my precious children.

After that day- things changed. No more money was flushed down the drain on attorneys, I made a promise to myself to no longer exchange harsh hurtful words with a person that has caused me so much pain in my life that could span a lifetime times two. Everything was settled and the path to healing was paved. Hours of counseling and communication with a person who brought pain into our lives opened new doors and a new hope for peace for our family.

In October 23rd, Maggie, our precious family dog- that my husband had had since he was in high school passed away. Just when we thought we couldn't possible carry another burden we lost a very important part of our family. My children, myself and especially my husband were completely devastated! We miss her everyday! She was the first dog I had ever let sleep with me and my first indoor pet ever! I grew to love her like a child...losing her was horrible! You can see her in the pic- she's sitting on Mady's lap...this is my favorite memory of her- always in the middle of everything!


Amidst the custody battle, healing from a loss of a loved one and a beloved family dog, recovering financially from countless investment in attorneys...we listed, sold our home, remodeled another home ourselves and moved. The transition was bumpy because we were remodeling another home while also living with my in laws for two weeks. It was truly a "House Crashers" episode from HGTV. But we got moved and settled in just in time to put up the Christmas Tree. We are on the tail end of our "house flip" and we look forward to selling the home and building on our land near my in laws whom I love so dearly! The future is bright!

I truly believe my husband deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for standing firmly beside me throughout the entire roller coaster. He sacrificed financially to keep my kids safe, held me while I cried, comforted me with his never wavering faith and always always loved me everyday- even at my lowest point of defeat, fear and utter shambles. When he said to me in the beginning of our relationship that he "has broad shoulders" and "can carry us both" I am sure he never imagined the amount of time he would spend carrying US BOTH! I thank God everyday for him, I truly think I would not be half the woman I am today without his love...he makes me a better person and his love sets me straight. I love him more than I ever thought I could possibly love a man. He has shown me what unconditional love and family loyalty really means. Most importantly- he shows my children everyday how a man should love his wife- and that is a true treasure. So throughout this struggle I see that it brought him and I closer, made our family stronger and also made us thankful for everyday of peace we get with the kids.

I was blessed with the most amazing job this Spring which was a total answer to prayer. I believe it was then that I was reminded that God heard my silent prayers not really spoken or said aloud to anyone. But when He sees us struggling and wanting something more in our life, He provides.

This summer is our first summer to actually enjoy one another since we were married Nov. 2007. 2008 was spent working like crazy because we were in child support battle which cost us more money in attorneys than we had at the time, 2009 was spent missing Papa B, worrying, giving attorneys all our money & fighting in and out of a jaded court system...this summer has been the best...so when I look bad on everything...I can only think one thing- I am so thankful we survived! Not only did we survive but we came out on top with a stronger love for each other and better appreciation for the little things in life. We are enjoying so much about our life, things have certainly "gone our way" time and time again for the last six months. We have a camper now and we have enjoyed 4 weeks so far at the lake with of all the Bryant family and some of my family. Dustin and I are more in love now than we have ever been and I truly believe letting go of all the negative things we can't control anyway is the key to finding true happiness in this life. I am thankful for every moment....

Thank you to everyone (and I know there are so many of you) who prayed for us, listened to my soap box speeches on child abuse and had "our back" throughout the entire battle. In times of adversity we see who our true friends are and I am blessed to have such awesome people in my life. As for family...well you all just simply ROCK and you are my rock! Thank you for the countless hours of praying for us, listening to us and just being there for us! We are blessed to have each and every one of you!

30....I must comment

Today is my 30th birthday and I feel like I must comment on this....just like at a wedding when the maid of honor gives a speech marking the special occasion and right of passage I feel as if my last 30 years deserve a farewell speech and my next 30 years a welcome speech- so here it goes....

As I sat here and type I look around me and see two little blessings that were brought into my world during my 20s. My son, Daxon, who will be 10 next month- that just takes my breathe away- 1-0 years old- no way!! He is turning into such an upstanding young man- he is so confident in who is he and what he expect other around him to be. I am extremely proud of his accomplishments and the person he is! Then I see Mady, she is 7- and she is a clone of me! My family always jokes that I took my DNA and cloned myself to have her! Part of that is very true- I see so much of myself in her...she is sassy, outspoken and loves to read and shop!!! Time flies by and this time with my children as they are young is so precious to me! The last ten years have swiftly passed me by....I plan in the next ten years to slow down and basque in the blessings of my children while they are still at home and I can hug and kiss them each day!!!

Two people who had a big part in molding me into the person I am today are my great-grandparents- MAMA and PAPA! We lost PAPA in Nov 1994 and Mama in May 1998. It is hard to think that I have spent so much of my life without them. They never met my children or my husband. Every year that goes by without them is so bittersweet. I remind myself of the time I had with them and how extremely thankful I am to have had the I had with them. They taught me so many good things and also brought the word and power of God into my life that for which I was and will forever be grateful. I have distinct feeling that the prayers of my Mama got me through the rough teenage years as well as tribulations involving my parents. I hope that today they are smiling down in heaven and are proud of the woman I am.

I could go on all day about what I have learned in the last thirty years but that would take too long...I will keep it simple...
Hindsight is certainly 20/20....but looking back I have to take those not so pleasant experiences and be thankful for them...they molded me into the mother, wife, friend, teacher and person I am today...I have to embrace the past- the good with the bad- and celebrate the life I was given- at the lows and highs.
My best advice to anyone who reads this is to NEVER LET FEAR CONTROL YOUR DECISIONS!!! Every not so smart decision I made was motivated by fear...fear of what might be, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of taking a chance, fear of not taking a chance, fear of someone else, fear of rejection, fear of abuse, fear of what others might think, FEAR of FEAR!! When it comes down to it- any decision we make- be it good or bad- has a God given purpose- whether we seek His will in things or not- in the end- God will reveal a purpose either in our happiness or our suffering...God is there...he carries us down the path of sorrow and heartache and he walks with us down the path of praise and happiness...
I am just now figuring out how to step away from a situation and JUST LET GO...Let God do his job- STOP TRYING to constantly change the outcome and just let the outcome come- a lot of times it's not as bad I had "feared" it would BE!
Just like with my kids- I have to BELIEVE- they are children of God- God protects our children and he will protect mine in any given situation- God will cover them with hands and they will be okay. Bad things might happen but I have to BELIEVE my children will see God's purpose in everything and learn to understand, forgive, accept and progress through life fearless and confident in God's promise to never forsake us!

Let's move on....to love....
I have loved, I have been loved, I have lost and I have in the end....found the love that lasts and for that I am eternally thankful and humble...love is a God's gift to his people....i am thankful everyday for the love in my life...

Divorced and remarried. Years of heartache and abuse...I overcame- I survived and I learned a great deal about myself, my past, my motivations and my decisions...
I could go on all day about the past relationships...but really....what matters is now- all of that brought me here- in the present- where I am happy, whole, complete and filled with God's grace and redemption...so I am okay with the past and all of the pain that belongs there- I still struggle with letting all of that go- I will let it go- then I will take it back- I will forgive myself- then I will find myself immersed in guilt, regret and sadness because of what the past sometimes brings into my present...but at the end of the day I remind myself of what came from the past- my two precious children- WOW! What a blessing they are- and without the past and a few stumbles in my walk I would not have them so I let it all go and I end my day with a thankful heart that forgives the transgressions of the past....

Dustin Bryant- he is my soul mate...we were made to love each other and he is a blessing to myself and my children...I am finally learning what true love is all about and how to love purely and wholly and without restraint...there is no fear in this relationship- everything has always been just like it should be. There is so much I could say about him and our love- but really it all comes down to three words- I AM BLESSED. Blessed to know him, love him, see him everyday, share his name, have his family, have his love, have his advice through life's ups and downs. I have learned more about love in the 3 years than I had in the 27 before then....he is the best and i thank God everyday for allowing our paths to cross and creating the perfect time for us to become more than friends and see that thing in one another we knew we could not go one day without. I am humbled by his love.

My sister- wow- what can I say....she has been on this roller coaster ride of life with me- my passenger strapped in for the long haul. And for a long time- it was a long haul- the ups, the downs, the turns, the flips, the circles....Shelby was there with me. We certainly butted heads enough to last us a lifetime but looking back I see it was all in love and concern for me and for my children that she utilized tough love. I love her so much. She is so steadfast in who she is- what she stands for me and I can only hope to emulate just a small portion of what she is in myself. I have always looked up to her- she is my big sister. When I was scared at night- let's see- the first 12 years of my life that I never slept by myself- i was thankful to have her bed to crawl into and feel safe from all the "scary" things at night...as a teenager I was thankful that she opened her home up to me and let me sleep on her couch for 2 years while she was raising two small children- she also took on the burden of a teenager- she and Larry saved me- in all ways possible. Through my pregnancy with Dax as a single mom- she was always there to make me feel NOT so alone- I remember being in the hospital on bed rest and even though she had two little ones at home- she came up and stayed several nights with me in the hospital. Throughout my past relationship- on and off again- she was there helping me, giving me a shoulder to cry on and eventually she did say enough was enough- and it didn't take long for me to act on those words and put them into action- and once again she and Larry opened their home up to me- and this time- my children as well. I will always always always be so so so thankful that I had a safe place to go and take my children. There are so many women out there in abusive situations that do not have that place and stay wayyyyy too long until they have nothing left of themselves and their children are forever scarred by their environment. She saved me again and again- as a child, as a teenager, as an adult...thank you Sis.....Shelby's presence calms my soul- I know I can lean on her and she will always give me good wholesome God derived advice. Not many of us have people like that in our lives and I am forever thankful to have that in my own sister. She is filled with the Spirit and I know her prayers have protected me through all of my life....

Through all the ups and down of life in the last 30 years...I am thankful to say I am finally in a good place...there are still struggles but I know now that God is in control...and my children, my husband and I are blessed and no situation or person can steal that joy...

I can only hope the next 30 years brings the many blessings of the last...today and from now on i am motivated by courage, strength and God's will not by fear....those are the days of the past...

Homecoming Week 2009 in Sperry, Oklahoma

Dustin and I at the parade Saturday! He was a trooper and drove the truck for our float! love Him!

The Bryant kids at the Homecoming football game Friday night!

Dax with his Sperry Pirate hair!

Friday Parade at the school

The kids & I

Last week the small town of Sperry, Oklahoma celebrated Homecoming Week. In Small Oklahoma Homecoming Week represents a time of excitement. School Spirit is set on fire and people come together to celebrate all that is good in a town- the school, their high school football team and the young men and women who were picked as Homecoming Royalty to represent their student body.

Each week there was a theme for grades pre-k through 12th to dress up and have a little fun! Growing in Skiatook I was accustomed to this ritual- we had 60's day, 80's day, cross dress day, backward day and of course my favorite- Spirit Day!!!

In Sperry this year for the elementary- we had- hat day, crazy sock day, favorite shirt day, rocker day and Pirate Spirit Day!

My kids and I have always went ALL OUT dressing up for Homecoming Week. When I was in high school- my friends and I would always make a trip to Goodwill to find the perfect outfits for homecoming week! I am so glad I have passed that school spirit down to my children! They love to participate in all the things at school......good memories!

Dax of course is my Jim Carrey wanna be and he loves to take on a different persona for whatever the event may be! He has tons of fun being the most outlandish student in his grade! Instead of just wearing a hat for hat day- he took his Chicken Hat and his Joker Hat- very funny! Mady loved Crazy Sock Day- she got to wear her hot pink and black zebra print socks she loves so much! For Spirit Day- We got up early and went to Skiatook Wal-Mart to purchase orange, black and white hair color so they could color their before school!!! So there I was in the Skiatook Wal-Mart parking lot spraying color in the kids' hair- crazy I know!!! But they love it and I love making them happy!

The entire school participate in the School Homecoming parade at the end of the school day Friday- my cheer squad got to be in the parade as well as the other cheerleaders, football players and the high school teams and homecoming court.

That evening we took Torie, Cheyenne, Dax and Mady to Homecoming Game- and all the kids had me color their hair the same! They all looked so cute!!! Sperry won their game and it was great time with friends and family!

The next day the Alumni Association hosted a town wide Homecoming Parade. The shriners, alumni, all the elem, jr high and high school football teams and cheer squads were on floats as well as the high school classes and homecoming court! It was a great time to be a Sperry Pirate! Everyone sported their Orange, Black and White and the Pirate Spirit was alive as ever! I was proud to be a part of it and proud my children are part of such a proud town! My cheer squad got to do their dance and then we were off to games in Dewey!

We had a great time and I am so glad they are so proud of their school! Having School Spirit keeps the student, parents and community as a whole involved in their school! I know when I was growing up school spirit was at its highest and it made my childhood as well as teenage years an exciting fun time that I will cherish forever. I can only hope to give my children the same experience throughout their time as a Sperry Pirate!!!

3-0.......

So my 30th birthday is rapidly approaching and I have to admitted it is somewhat daunting. The grey hair is starting to appear, fine lines and wrinkles, its harder to lose weight and the growing pains I am experiencing are just NOT FUN! Even though many many people who are older than me say they wish they were 30 again- for me- I wish I was 20 again! My biological clock is ticking and my first born will be 10 in December- it all just seems so unreal! Time goes by way too fast.....I find myself wondering- where is the pause bottom? If there ever was a moment in time I would want to freeze- I would say NOW! I do not want to get older and turning 30 just feels like such a milestone- I am no longer 20 something- but I don't feel like a thirty-something either- where do I fit in? I guess it doesn't help that my husband is 4 years younger than me. I want to look, feel, act- his age- NOT MINE! He keeps telling me that it should make me feel GOOD that I have such a strapping handsome young man as himself- I know- those Bryants are confident beings- but REALLY it makes me feel WORSE! I feel like I need to try harder to be younger since he is younger- silly isn't?? I know he LOVES ME no matter my age, looks, hair, weight- our love goes deeper than all that- BUT grapsing that wholey and completely is just a little difficult for me- right now anyway.
I am sure like most things I will grow and move past all of this worry about growing older but for now it is at the forefront of my mind and I am dealing with it!
I am the happiness and most confident in myself and my relationship as I have ever been in my adult life- I am hoping that 30 does not change that- I want that to stay the same!
SOOOO MUCH has transpired from 20 to 30- I cannot imagine 30-40 topping those ten years! If anything- I am positive they will be the most peaceful, functional, productive, happy, wholesome of my entire life.
Let's see- when I was 20- I had just had Dax, I was a single mother to a preemie baby boy, only had three semesters of college under my belt, slept very little if at all- being the only caregiver to a baby with medical issues was hard work, worked as a waitress on the weekends and went to school at NSU during the week, had no social life, barely any friends (they were all busy living it up at college) and basically- life was a little lonely. I was completely and 100 percent focused and in love with DAX- he was my everything- center of my universe.
AND NOW- WOW! My life is full of friends, family, co-workers and people who I love, trust and enjoy spending time with! AND I have DAX and MADY and MY HUBBY- that share the center of my universe! I have finished college, gone from a miserable marriage to a happy one, survived an abusive marriage, been a single mother to TWO KIDS, worked in the public schools for 3 years, volunteer for any and everything at the school and for my kids and have been fortunate enough to enjoy many great vacations traveling to Denver, the Carribean and New York City.
My life is abundant with love, friendship and family- I am truly blessed.
So as I turn 30 I am hoping to add many more experiences, friendships and blessings to my life- maybe even another child- that would be awesome!!!!

SEPTEMBER 25, 2008 "SWEET CHILDHOOD MOMENTS"

HER FIRST LOST TOOTH

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AUG. 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sweet Childhood Moments Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life
So in the midst of the start of a new school year, in a new school district, homework, school functions and a busy soccer season- with both daughter and son playing soccer- practices twice a week and games everyday Saturday- a little childhood moment has slowed things down a bit and made me sit back and cherish these times of raising little kids even more!
My baby girl, Madison Rae, who is now 6- lost her first tooth Sunday night! What a bittersweet moment it was! She let Dustin Bryant pull her tooth- which made me happy and sad- I really wanted to pull it- but I am glad she loves/trusts him enough to let him do it! The tooth had been loose for a month now and it was an everyday occurrance for us to talk about how much more loose the tooth was that day! Madison is a typical girl- she thinks the world revolves her and sometimes it pretty much does- so her loosing her first tooth has been a big deal this week in our house! That night Dustin Bryant took her to the store and got ice cream for the entire family and she got her own small pint! She was so so so proud! Her first words were- "I wonder how much money the tooth fairy will bring me?"- always thinking about money and how she will spend it! That night she put her tooth in a baggy and wrote her name, date and phone number on it- how cute is that!
Both of my children are in the stage where they are starting to question if there is a REAL Santa, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny- and as their mom- I just do not have the heart to break the news to them- that it is in fact- ME- that plays those crucial roles in their little lives! When Mady woke up Monday morning- her tooth was with the "tooth fairy" and she had 5 dollars- for which she immediately said she would have me take her to Wal-Mart afterschool to get a Littlest Pet Shop- her new item of collection! Then she says "Mom if you were the tooth fairy- where would you hide my tooth?"- I was like, "well I am not the tooth fairy so I don't know". She says she had wanted to take tooth to school to show off and she was sad that she didn't have it anymore! I felt so guilty for playing the role of tooth fairy and taking her tooth. Now I am wondering- should I put the tooth back under her pillow and tell her that the tooth fairy is letting her have it back for a few days to "show off"- because of course- the know all see all tooth fairy heard her say she had wanted to take it to school that day???!!!????!!!!
So without blowing my cover or shattering my daughter's hopes and wishes that the tooth fairy- along with Santa and the Easter Bunny are indeed real- how should I play this, I ponder??? So tonight- the tooth fairy is replacing the precious FIRST TOOTH (on temporary loan of course) so my baby girl can take it to school to show off her lil 6 year old tooth with pride!!!
As I sit here and wait for the perfect time to go in her room as she sleeps- tip toe in there and be oh so quiet as I put her tooth back under her pillow- still in the bag with her contact information written in her lil 6 year old handwriting- I have to say- I love these sweet childhood moments and I love being a mother to two precious awesome kids! They make me so proud and I treasure these moments more than they will ever know! Even though it makes me sad that my baby is growing up and loosing teeth- I thank God each day that she and her brother are happy, healthy, smart kids who are growing up to be such good kids!

MAY 20, 2008 "FORGIVE, LET GO AND MOVE ON"

MAY 20, 2008
Forgive, Let Go & Move On Current mood: blessed
Do not say, "I'll do to him as he has done to me; I'll pay that man back for what he did." - Proverbs 24:29
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." - Mark 11:25
I can honestly say that these two scriptures remain firmly implanted in my mind as time progresses and things from the past....remain unchanged....but still in the past- where they belong. As I grow closer to God and continue this journey as a wife and mother- I have come to realize one important thing- forgiveness is essential in growing and learning. If I keep looking back into the past at the hurt at the abuse I endured in my home growing up and the violence I endured at the hands of the father of my children- I am not allowing myself to see the full brightness of the future. The reality is that all of those hurtful experiences made me the person I am today- and that person is someone I proud to be! I am at a point in my life where I can finally stand up for myself and choose the people whom I let into my life and let stay in my life. As trying as it may be- letting toxic people GO has been the most productive and therapeutic experience for me as an adult. They must work to fix themselves- I cannot fix them only GOD has that POWER. As I sever ties with people who have been a part of my life since I was born and I am choosing to let GO of the hurt, pain and the past. They have not changed and unless they make major life changes- they never will. I am not a child anymore- I am an adult- wife and mother- I owe it to my children to show them that people who choose to hurt you in anyway- do not deserve a place in your life.

As each day passes and I learn to forgive (even though forgiveness was not asked for or wrongs were not acknowledged) happiness becomes a bigger part of my life and sorrow and confusion disappear. I believe that when you wrong a person- either by actions, words or in a physical way it is the right thing to do to go to that person and ask for their forgiveness- admitting the wrong you have done to them- and in turn completing the circle of forgiveness. Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and often times we grant forgiveness in our heart without the person who wronged us coming to us for their forgiveness. God knows our hearts- and only God. When we leave this world we will answer only to God about our actions on this Earth- and I will make certain when I meet my maker I will not have to answer for any hard feelings I have carried, burdens I failed to let go of and hurt I could not move past. I grant forgivness daily- sometimes I struggle with it- sometimes it is easy- but everyday I am faced with it. I know as I long as I choose the high road and I forgive, let go and move on....my heart will contiue to overflow with happiness, gratefulness and all the blessings this life has to offer.