Monday, November 29, 2010

There is ALWAYS Hope!

Wow! What a roller coaster this process has been and continues to be. Today was my first BETA HCG blood test. Of course I went first thing this morning to the lab in Owasso. Because my Dr. will not discuss your results until AFTER your second test- which is Wednesday- I asked the lab how long it would take- since it was a STAT order- they said an hour. So I went to the truck and waited the hour- playing Words with Friends (thank God for that game) and checking up on my Facebook friends (thank you to all my interesting friends and their amusing updates).

As I waited (on a dark cloudy rainy morning) the sun peered through the clouds and it seemed to only shine on the hospital parking lot. It was so comforting. It was like God was telling me and me only that everything was going to be OKAY and although there are times of darkness, clouds and rain- the shine will ALWAYS shine later! I was so touched- it brought me to tears. I had to get out of the truck and take a picture it! I know I am such a sentimentalist but it just seemed like one of those moment when God speaks to you...I know it was one of those moments. It really gave me peace. Before I saw the sun I felt planted in my seat like I needed a bulldozer to pick me up and force me to walk back into the hospital and get my results, after I saw it- I was fine, I had peace and I was calm. Isn't our God AWESOME? I felt so reassured not to give up HOPE! When the clock struck 9:30 I confidently got out of the truck and headed back to the lab.

I got my test results and my number was a 16. I would've liked for it to be a higher number but any number above a 9 is a positive pregnancy and I was so relieved! There is still hope! Certainly there is cause for joy and cautious optimism! Immediately I began researching about others who had low betas- of course there are some whose numbers did not double after their second BETA which resulted in a miscarriage- but there are also some whose numbers kept growing and have healthy children now! I am so so so so thankful for the online fertility forums- you would not believe the many many stories I have read that have inspired me- these women are made of steel and I admire each and everyone of them! Truly amazing! So right now I am praying and hoping my number will double by my second BETA on Wednesday! Praying for anything over number 32!!! I am praying I will be one of those inspirational stories of a low BETA turned healthy pregnancy and baby! Maybe God is using me to help others?

I truly believe that we just have a little bit of a stubborn embaby- he or she was late to grow to blastocyst- pushing us to a 6 day transfer now he or she is a late implanter! Maybe he or she is just stubborn like their mom & dad- completely not out of the question here ;)

Right now I am walking in RELIEF....relief that the number was not a big fat zero as it can be with some! I am walking in HOPE that my numbers double in 48 hours and I am walking in FAITH knowing that no matter what the results are it is God's will for us right now and I will have PEACE.

What a roller coaster, numbers game and test of patience this has been. I can only become a better person because of this journey and I intend do everything in my power to keep my spirit strong and my faith unwavering.

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