Okay so I have heard about it time and time again from all the IVF women on the online discussion boards and a few friends that the Two Week Wait (the time period from Egg Transfer until you take your BETA blood test that tells you if you are preggo or not) is hard, nerve wracking and emotional.
Honestly I brushed off the thought of losing my mind and being an emotional wreck during my two week wait. I am a Christian- I have faith and I stand firm in God's will in my life- worry, fear and doubt should not even be in my vocab and in addition- I am a busy mom! I thought I would be so busy with kids and life that this time would fly by and I wouldn't even flinch I would pray through this and all would be peaceful and fine...boy was I dead WRONG!
Let's see it's been 4 days and I am approaching nervous breakdown mode! Just a half hour after the Egg Transfer the paranoia set in: Example 1- I had to pee- so they brought in a bed pan (I had lay flat on my back for an hour after the transfer) and Hubby chuckled at me peeing in the bed pan- I laughed too- and it hurt my stomach- I immediately started to worry that I messed something up because I laughed! Okay this is not my first rodeo- I have had to two kids- obviously I know A LAUGH cannot push two embryos out of your uterus- but I will be honest- the thought crossed my inching towards insanity mind. That evening every time I got up to pee- which I do ever more frequently because my ovaries are still very swollen- I did so with guilt because I was not laying down and getting in all of my bed rest I possibly could.
I do believe that not getting the full 24 hours of bed rest has sent me into panic mode! I keep thinking if it doesn't work it will be because we had to fly out first thing the next morning and I wasn't able to be on bed rest that entire day. I worried about that for the entire 12 hours traveling that Thursday. Not to mention that I actually went to the restroom and took off my panties and flew home commando because the panties were too tight on my lower abs when I would sit down and I did not want to put any undo pressure on that area...really? I am totally losing it here people...
So once we got home I actually felt better- I was so relieved to see my kids that the worry would go away then suddenly creep up on me and I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach you know like your on a roller coaster ride getting ride to plummet straight down- yes that would be me about every 30 minutes! But I am seriously working on that- because when that happens- I am like- that cannot be good for the embabies! So I am doing some praying and breathing through those feelings...no more roller coasters!
Every little cramp, pain, ache I am totally over thinking. If I cramp I worry I might be starting my period and then I think maybe its egg implantation but then no sign of implantation bleed- so then I worry again that Aunt Flow might be coming to town- and right now she is my mortal enemy! I am praying for her to stay away for the next 9 months. I woke up with leg cramps two days ago and was ecstatic because I had horrible leg cramps when I was pregnant with Mady. Really? Who I am kidding? I totally am not far along enough to have any kind of pregnancies symptoms...but it's okay to wish right?
Every morning I wake up and hope for morning sickness (once again not far along enough but one can hope). This comes from the person who puked their ever loving guts up every day until 5 months preggo with both kiddos. I used to pray for an early death while worshiping the porcelain god 8-10 years ago now I pray to just to worship it again! When I am laying in bed I am constantly on guard to make sure our crazy dog doesn't jump on my belly. I am inhaling pineapple like it's chocolate on Halloween because it is supposed to help with egg implantation.
The bad side to this entire process is that I am still on two daily pills and one nightly injection. One being progesterone which can make you mimic pregnancy symptoms. So tender boobs- must be progesterone, tired all the time- must be progesterone. One cannot be certain what they are feeling with the meds! Maybe it's the meds that are making me an emotional basket case too?
Here's the worse part: unless you have been through the emotional, financially and physical ins and outs of IVF you just DO NOT GET IT! I know I have awesome family and friends who love me and are praying for us and I could call at the drop of the hat to cry to or whatever to but really- I just sound crazy! Being around people almost makes this entire craziness worse. It's like I am half pregnant- not really pregnant but maybe just a little pregnant- not enough to talk about but enough to constantly be on my mind. People who are pregnant and have babies- well it's just heartbreaking right now. I love them but right now for me it's just a double edged sword and I do not know how to change that feeling. I mean I have two kids- I am a mom- but I want to be a mom again and with the man I love I have never had that...
I feel like there is so much on the line here- after the money we spent, the time away from family, the now weeks of meds and injections- its just A LOT for this to not go our way. Most importantly- wanting to have a baby with my hubby and give him his only child- there are not words to describe how bad I want this- more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. I know God knows this I keep telling myself this over and over. He has never forsaken me and I know He won't now.
I cannot imagine the let down. I shutter at the thought- and I shouldn't even let that thought cross my mind- I know how powerful our thoughts are- and I guess that's why I am writing this OUT...because I am trying to get control of any negative thoughts and get a grip on my paranoia and emotions. I think about how we will have to sacrifice to save money again to try again, how I am getting older, if I am pregnant I need to keep the stress level low to ward off miscarriage- have you met me? I am a total stress ball.
Maybe a cry fest is what I need. When Dax was in counseling and I would go in to visit with his counselor I would always cry and I would always apologize for crying and he would kindly remind me each time that crying is good- its the body's way of releasing emotions and stress so just cry and let it out! I just feel so weak when I cry. I am strong and I want to be strong through this and keep a thankful heart. Crying and being worrisome seems so weak, selfish and faithless.
I am sure this blog post is rambling and doesn't make sense to many people who are reading it- but it certainly has made me feel better just by writing it out and getting it off my chest. I feel engulfed in two week wait crazies...and I am trying my hardest to dig my way out!