Well since Sunday the waterworks have been flowing, and flowing, and flowing....and flowing. I cannot remember a time in my life I was sooo emotional in a weepy way. It's truly pathetic. If weren't for my hubby I would have probably lost my ever loving mind by now. It's not so much stress or worry it's just EMOTION just sheer outright overwhelming, happiness, sadness, sorrow, elation...emotion that just comes over me at any given time and the tears flow. My cheeks, I fear, are forever tear stained.
I will admit as much as I hate to that I broke down and peed on the stick! AKA- took a home pregnancy test...or 4...all were negative :( BUT I am holding out hope that I am one of the MANY IVF women who take HPT (home pregnancy tests) up until the day of their Beta blood test then get a POSITIVE blood test! It could be too early, maybe late egg implantation or maybe my levels are not going to high at first. Either way I am NOT giving up HOPE and I am believing in our miracle!
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and the kids were with their dad, which made the day harder than hard. Being around family should give me comfort but really it just adds to my anxiety. I feel so much pressure because my Hubby does not have children of his own for us to have HIS children. I know how important it is to him and his family and especially since he is a man and should carry on his last name which he and the Bryants are very proud of. I know his family loves me and loves us no matter what- all the pressure is purely self inflicted! He reassures me that no matter what we have each other, love each other and baby or no baby nothing will ever change the love he has for me. He knew what he was in for when he married me (he must be crazy I know) and the man is true to his word and love and completely steady and unwavering when it comes to his loyalty, support and compassion for me. It's truly amazing. His love reminds me everyday of how much God loves me to have given me such an amazing man, best friend, rock and father to my children.
When we left his family's Thanksgiving to go to mine- which was small- just my sister mom and grandparents (ahhh....sigh....). I broke down and cried 5 times between Sperry and Skiatook. He patted me and talked me out of my tears. He keeps assuring me we have been through HARDER times- reminding me what we went through with Dax and his dad and that this is nothing compared to that- I know he is right- but it is still SO HARD! We walk in the door at my sisters and I break down again and there we are in her living room- me balling and my Hubby holding me. I made my mom and sister cry- it was such a mess! I felt bad Thanksgiving should be a happy time and there I was balling like a 5 year old in my sister's living room. I only broke down once after that. I am not sure what it is- maybe my body is just SPENT- I mean 97 shots later (yes I am still on 2 pills, 1 nightly huge painful progesterone shot at night and vaginal suppositories) pumped full of hormone injections and pills my body HAS HAD IT! Not to mention my emotional well being. Don't get me wrong I would not trade this journey for the world we are blessed to be able to do this but it does take it toll and there is NOTHING easy about this. I would venture to say that only the most rock solid of marriages could withstand going through IVF and I am so thankful to have one of those rock solid marriages!
These past 5 days my hubby has held me for countless hours as I sobbed my eyes out...literally balling like a big kid! Who knew I could cry this much? Certainly NOT ME! I think he is shocked and keeps saying- "you never cry like this babe". A song, a book, a facebook post, a text, a thought, just little things send me into inconsolable sobs. I will even fess up to NOT showering for two days and being able to lay in bed doing nothing but watching movies, reading books and playing words with friends. Maybe this is me letting go of the situation and giving the control to God? I don't know but it's sad sight for sure! Hence the reason why I was relieved and jumped at the opportunity to get up at 3 am and go Black Friday shopping this morning with my mom and sister- change things up a bit ya know?! It doesn't help that kids have been with their dad all week so I am missing them and certainly if they were here I would fight back the tears. I promised myself after them seeing me crying literally everyday of their lives until they were 4 and 6 because of my miserable marriage with their dad- I would put on a happy face from that day forward and not shed a tear in front of them unless someone died or someone was hurt! And I have held true to that promise! So I am really looking forward to them being home so my steel armor of superwoman mom can be put BACK ON and the tears/sobs/weepiness can subside a little.
So for now...I am deeming myself the weeping willow...don't worry if there is ANYTHING that needs crying over...I am doing it for you!
p.s.- I am totally praying this all early pregnancy symptoms and beginning of the emotional roller coaster...we will know for sure on Monday- only 3 more days!